Got bombshell?

"Lady" Gaga

2010-09-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

I think I've written about this before, but who else thinks Lady Gaga might ACTUALLY be an incarnation of the devil???

Aaawwww!

2010-09-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

Click the title of this post to see a sweet video about a sweet puppy!!

Two little stories:

2009-10-17T07:32:00.001-07:00

1. I went to church and sat with my friend Nicole's sister and her family. When I sat down, her cute little nephew looked up at me, and very sincerely, asked, "are you an aunt?"
2. Yesterday, I was at the Texas Exes (University of Texas Alum) golf tourney. I was in my little golf cart, going down the cart path, and came around the corner to discover one of the golfer guys peeing in a water hazard. Luckily, he was facing away from me. Anyway, his co-golfer started laughing, and was like, "timing is everything in life!" True, sir. Very true.

I feel like singing...

2009-10-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-- stop! Hammer time... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh-oh.

Hmm...

2009-09-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

I wonder if Meat Loaf ever regrets his choice of stage names.
What if he stopped liking meatloaf, after having really loved it when he was young, because you just know he can't go to dinner anywhere without being served an obligatory meatloaf? How many meatloafs must Meat Loaf have consumed in his life? I'm betting on thousands.

Hefty Tall Kitchen Bags "Stinky" 2009 TV Commercial

2009-09-12T16:50:00.001-07:00

I can't stand this woman. Man these are the most annoying commercials. Hows about stop complaining and take the trash out yourself, you lazy broad? I mean, really, she could have taken it out and been back again in the time she stood there making faces and ordering her poor fake husband around.

I rock!

2009-09-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, today I ran my 2 miles. You know I'm training for the White Rock Lake half-marathon in December. And that I am NO RUNNER.
Anywho. Started training a couple of weeks ago. Went from running ZERO to running 4-5 days/week. My point is, today was my second 2-mile run, and not only did I run the whole thing without stopping or slowing down (which I have forced myself to do each time, but usually it's 1.5 miles, and I am struggling), but it actually didn't hurt! It was like, kind of easy and natural. Of course, I had a couple of moments of "ugg!" but I never felt like I wanted to stop or I might die. I hit that mythical place where running no longer hurts! This has only happened one other time in my life, and before that, I always thought it was an urban legend.
My point is, I'm proud of myself. I am becoming a real runner. Never thought I'd see the day :)

I am starting a petition

2009-09-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

I think we need more national holidays. Like, at least one per month. Paid holidays. I don't think they have created a new one in my whole life. That's a long time to not make any new holidays, don' t ya think?

Did I ever tell y'all?

2009-09-05T12:34:00.001-07:00

In some movie, someone is talking about a disease they have, it sounds like he says "anorexia," only that's not it. It's some disorder where he has absolutely no stress. Even about things he should have stress about. I think I have this disorder.
Nothing really makes me stress. And believe me, I probably should stress sometimes. There are definitely things in my life that would stress out a normal person.
Maybe this is why my blood pressure is so low that doctors are always like, "umm... you're practically dead."

I really like good ol' TS...

2009-09-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

But, I personally think it's kind of both gross and bad when one's arms are so thin that the elbow-bones look all knobby and big, like knobby knees. Sorry, thin-armed girls everywhere. Thin is fine. But this isn't even thin. It's like, creepy.

I am not lying. I swear.

2009-08-17T15:49:00.001-07:00

Okie dokie. First of all, please disregard this kind of grody girl and her kind of grody poses. Concentrate instead on the "dress."

Today, I saw A MAN wearing a tank-top mini-dress just like this, except with little grey stripes. At first, I thought it was one of those old-timey mens' swimsuits, you know, like a onesie? And that was odd, not only empirically, but also because he wore it in public. But, somehow, the dress idea was even more odd once it struck me. But, I was not hallucinating. He also had a canary-yellow man purse. So strange. I hope this isn't a trend that catches on. I mean, that thing was mini!

It seems like all my posts lately have been about television...

2009-08-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

But, dude, I really don't watch it much. In fact, today I wish I watched it a little more. Because the Oxygen channel played "Steel Magnolias" AND "The First Wives Club!!!"
I am catching the middle-end of "TFWC." I saw like 10 mins of "SM."
Of course, I had a better day than just watching tv would have been. Swimming always trumphs tv on a hot summer day:)

Golden Girls : Sex and the City :: the egg : the chicken

2009-08-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

I was talking about "Golden Girls" the other day. How much I loved it, how much I lamented the deaths of two cast members this year, how much as a kid I thought Blanche was freakin' fantastic.

And something came to me. Now, I am sure you may have realized this. And maybe it's just because both shows exhibit four female archetypes, but "Golden Girls" and "Sex and the City" seem to be pretty much the same show. In fact, if they keep making movies, eventually, the girls of SATC will all move in together in Florida and carry on much like the "Golden Girls." (Which is my plan, by the way. If I get married, and my hubby dies before me, me and my most fabulous girlfriends who are in the same boat should totally move in together and just laugh our butts off for the rest of our lives. Beats the old-folks home. By a lot. Moving on...)

Carrie is Sophia. Quirky and demanding. Funny and bossy. Flighty. Head in the clouds. Whiny. Bratty.

Samantha is obviously Blanche. Slutty, glamorous, doesn't give a dang. Frankly, sometimes bitchy.

Charlotte is Rose. Traditional, pretty. Slightly ditsy in Charlotte's case, majorly ditsy in Rose's. Easily disappointed. Idealist.

Miranda is clearly Dorothy. Uptight. Hard to please. A real pain in the a most of the time. Down to earth. A real "get down to business" type girl.

Anywho. I was going to write a real academic essay on this*, with research and citations and all, but I figured a quick little list would get my point across, and be less painful for everyone involved.

*No I wasn't.

Woah

2009-08-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

While looking for a pic for my SATC post, I ran across this pic of Jason Lewis (Smith). Does he look like he wants to, oh, I don't know, kill you... and then drain your body of blood, and then drink it, or something?

Guess who's coming back into my life? (FINALLY)

2009-08-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

Yep. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is coming back on. I have really missed "the gang." Not sure when the season starts (I am sure I could find out with a few mouse-clicks, but I am too lazy, as it is usually September, so I figure it is this year, too), but when it does, I will be in heaven for about 5 weeks. Which is how long it usually seems to last. Not a long season, this one.

AND Jeff Lewis of "Flipping Out!" Although Jeff is looking a little botoxy here, my adoration of him has not wavered. I wish he were my gay boyfriend. Too neurotic not to love.

Snuggie for Dogs - As Seen on TV Network

2009-08-02T15:03:00.001-07:00

Thank you, Alison, and Matt, for bringing this into my life! I laughed so hard, I sounded like I was having some sort of attack, and had major tears rolling down my face! I have to re-apply my make-up!
THE BEST PART (which shows how sick I am) is: "Unlike traditional sweaters that you have to force over your dog's head, and stuff their legs through tight little sleeves." (which Alison also pointed out.) I re-watched it (at second :35) at least 15 times. I felt bad each time, knowing how sad it was for the dog, but my sadness was over-ridden by joy and unbridled glee. Wrong? Yes. Am I okay with it? Yes. Tell me that you love it, too.

Here's one.

2009-08-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

Why did my 'chat' suddenly disappear on gmail, never to be seen or heard from again? I don't expect you to answer. But, really, I didn't change any settings, and what's worse, I can't find any way to put it back on there! Boo.

Check this out!

2009-08-01T09:12:00.001-07:00

Six-Year-Old Artist Paints Like Adult

Shared via AddThis

Theory time, which is similar to 'Hammer time,' without those unflattering pants

2009-07-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

It is embarrassing and dorky to get out of your air-conditioned car into the warm-but-not-even-hot* Texas summer and have your seeing-eye-glasses fog over. Which brings me to theory #1:

1. *I believe we (or maybe just I?) have entered bizarro-world. You know, where everything is opposite? Seinfeld talks about it, but I think it is actually a Super-man thing. Whatever. We are in it. I believe the following evidences support this theory:

Texas has had a summer that is unlike any I have ever seen here. Today, it was in the low 80s. It is almost August. This does not happen. We have had several days of not just unseasonably, but freakishly cool weather. Nights where you can drive with windows down. Bizarro. World. Hey, global-warming people, take a look at this! (Although I realize you are changing it to "global climate change," [so that you can have a broad cover-all] which, if I'm not mistaken, has actually been called something else for some time: w e a t h e r)
I am purging my stuff. Getting rid of tons of crap I have been storing for 10 years. I am going to be a minimalist. For real. That's just not normal.
My man situation is also abnormal. Dating someone I actually like? Unheard of. Sorry, old boyfriends. You're welcome, new guy :)
I have a phone that is not technologically out-of-date. Yeah. Finally got a blackberry! Yay! Yeah, I know the iPhone id hipper, but I just can't text on those things!
I can't really sleep in anymore. You have to realize, sleeping in has been the foundation of my days-off lifestyle (and in college, days I had classes I could miss) for most of my adult life. Now, I am lucky to sleep until 9. Of course, unless I am up all night long or am sick. These things, combined with a healthy dose of the NyQuil or Tylenol pm, sometimes facilitate a later sleep-in.

2. Gay guys look so good because guys are so visual, and they, as guys themselves, know this. So, they cater to this tendency so that they can get other gay guys. Which can be a trick, because some of us women are pretty visual too. And we end up flirting with good-looking gay guys. Which can lead to some pretty embarrassing situations.

3. "The empathy theory:" (I cannot claim this theory, except that I have been talking about it lately, and I named it.) People cheat with each other not because they are attracted to each other so much as that they can empathize with each other. And they get into this pattern of doing that until they finally get involved physically and emotionally.

4. Coke slurpees are totally okay every now and then. They help take the edge off of the no-sodas-whatsoever pact. I know, maybe I am cheating a little. But I rarely have them, and they aren't carbonated, which was kind of my rule. No carbonation. And delicious.

Alice in Wonderland

2009-07-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, umm... YAY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtjrlMKDCwY
Once again, foiled by youtube. But, you need to watch this. I have always loved Alice in Wonderland. So, I am stoked. And this looks amazing.
As a girl who, at age 3, wanted her mom to name her future baby sister "Allison Wonderland Holman," I think I'll be seeing this... Maybe.

Youtube is doing crappy things to me...

2009-07-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

It won't let me put videos on my blog. But here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JScv8N91FGw&feature=player_profilepage
I fully jumped when I saw this. And then, they played another one right after, I knew what was going to happen, and I jumped higher than the first time! I couldn't find that one... Totally good, though.

Huh?

2009-07-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is the pic from an ad on facebook for fashion school, or something... I can't really see it. But, it doesn't make me think fashion, for some reason. First of all, is there a parrott on her shoulder?
Looks more like an ad for voodoo school. Like, where they teach you to give people shrunken heads and stuff. Cause does she have one? I think so...
I'm so perplexed.

This girl already bugs me...

2009-07-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Banks. Annoying. I don't know why. She just bugs me. As does this:

And yet, it rang so familiar, I knew I'd seen it before... Oh, right: Perhaps she is taking her cues from the refreshingly crazy/wonderful Sharon Stone? I hope next time she does this one: The girls at GFY hate it, but I personally think she looks freaking amazing. Furs are great. I love animals, but I love to wear them more. (Except puppies, of course. I'm no Cruella Deville.)

Oh, Anthro...

2009-07-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

You have outdone yourself... I am DYING for the outfit on the left. Dying. It will be mine. Promise.

Food for thought

2009-07-16T16:27:00.001-07:00

What do you think your chances are of going to heaven if the last thing out of your mouth before you die is the grown-up version of "mutha eff!"?
Because I was thinking that, for me, this is a very real possibility.
I was thinking about dying in a car accident on my drive home today. Sounds morbid, but it was because of all the hideous driving around me. And, I figured, in my last moment, seeing the car that is about to kill me speeding my way, that is probably what will fly from my mouth.
So, how good do you think one has to be to override that kind of last moment? Like, Mother Teresa good? Gordon B Hinkley good? Or just, like, regular human who is pretty good good?
I think I may be in trouble.

Just for Jared...

2009-07-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

They're rubber waffles. Only less appetizing.

What the heck is the deal?

2009-07-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

Vibrating mascara.

Does really anything seem like a worse idea?

"Hmm... I'm looking for a way to make poking my eye out more of a possibility... Oh, look! Here, I'll get this."

I mean, I can't think of anywhere on my body that I would less prefer to have something vibrate.

List

2009-07-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

A) What is it on my blog that prompts ads like this:
Federal Criminal Defense
Federal Drug & Sex Crimes Law Office of Correa & Featherston ?!?
I didn't know I appealed so much to the criminal type... or at least that my blog does. I guess I know I do, personally, and I can validate that statement with a little quip I like to call "Maigen gets an ex-con boyfriend on a cross-country Greyhound trip while attending BYU." Umm, yeah, that actually happened. Years ago, though. Still funny.

B) I've lost 7 more pounds! Yipee! I am now back to my natural "fat weight." You know, the place I always stayed at without trying before I hit 29 years old and my metabolism came to a screeching halt, unfortunately during the time I was on campus in the video-editing suites for 12 hours a day, eating junk and never, ever working out. Well, finally back down. Still got a bunch to go, but things are looking good!

C) Had an awesome 4th of July weekend... But, really, how can it be blasted Monday already? Dude, no.

D) I have to go to bed, but instead I am writing this. The end.

The heat!

2009-06-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I realized something awesome about how hideously hot it is in Texas. It actually works for me. You know why? Because, unless there is a pool or lake involved, no one expects you to do anything outside. Ever.
Which means I'm not getting any grief about not going hiking or rock climbing. No one is hassling me to go mountain biking. Because these things are actually not possible. 1) We have no mountains, or hills & 2) you can actually die out there.
So, the moral of the story is, if you are an indoorsy girl, who doesn't like being considered a loser for not wanting to participate in these types of activities (as I often was in Utah), and you like to shop, eat amazing food, go to films and museums and live music, Dallas might just be the right place for you. Even if you hate, HATE the heat. Because you are inside most of the time anyway.
I am done.

What a sad day.

2009-06-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Great music.
Great hair.

I'm sad. Also, Ed Mc Mahon died yesterday. Gosh, crappy week.

These weird me out...

2009-06-24T19:50:00.002-07:00

What's with all these stand-up comedy format commercials lately? Is it the same thing as reality tv? The comedians are cheaper than paying actors? Or do they really think these are super-clever, and like, the wave of the future? I hope not. They are NO BUENO!

See the three posts below! LAME!

(PS: Yeah, I don't know how to put these all in one post... I've looked at trying to do it before, but it seems like a lot of work. So, uh, sorry. It's just not as pretty this way. Feel free to teach me. For free.)

About periods...

2009-06-24T19:50:00.001-07:00

On TBS...

2009-06-24T19:48:00.001-07:00

About a car...

2009-06-24T19:46:00.001-07:00

It's hot and I'm dying.

2009-06-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Dallas is perfect. Aside from the overwhelming, soul-crushing, heart-breaking heat. I mean, I'm not gonna make it. I think I'm actually going to have to leave Texas. Again. (Vote on my new location to the right). Probably not until the fall, though. Which means, I will have to live through the heinous summer. Boo. Hiss. Ick.

Other random things I don't like:
1. The phrase "hot mess." Dude. Terrible.
2. How on tv, couples always sleep in a queen-sized bed. I am SO gonna need more space than that, for my sprawling tendencies. Plus, snuggling is good, some of the time. But, it makes me hot.

Random things I do like:
1. Lemon/lime or cucumber water. Never liked lemon water before, but now that I'm off soda (since May 17th!), I had to try something else again.
2. High heels! Oh, man. I gave in to the whole flats/flat sandals phenom. In fact, I gave in so much that I wasn't wearing heels very much anymore, just on dates (and even then, not always... I know, ICK!) and to church. But, I wore them on Friday night, and it was like heaven! Heels are home, baby. I had been forsaking the true me and had given in to comfort and trends instead of adhering to my high-heels-at-all-times-except-for-work rule. I'm not saying I won't wear flats, but I'm just saying, I remembered who I am! Yay! Heels! Love ya! Welcome back, Maigen!

I'm smarter than your average criminal.

2009-06-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the new big thing amongst crooks, thieves, men who don't treat me well and the like is to go to a Texas Rangers' game (or something like that), break into cars with GPS systems, hit 'home' and go rob you. Kind of smart. They know you won't be there for like 5 hours. They probably have your garage-door opener.
I was thinking about getting a GPS, actually. Only, instead of my address in the 'home' spot, I'm going to put in the address to my closest police station. Eat THAT, common criminals!
(PS: does this criminal-guy's bag up here say "swag?" Or is it something I'm not figuring out? Like, he's stealing someone's swag? That's one trendy, rapper of a robber.)

Flizzle Tizzle

2009-06-18T16:39:00.001-07:00

I noticed the past couple of days that my tire looked kind of flat, perhaps having something to do with the fact that I ran off the drop-off side of a country road and jacked that b up.

Anywho. So, yesterday, against my natural inclination NOT to sweat my butt off in the heinous 100 degrees, and NOT to get all greasy and dirty in the dress I wore to work, I decided I could not drive the 45 minutes to my writers' group on that pretty flat-looking tire. So, I went to a gas station and paid $1.25 FOR AIR. I put air in all my tires. My car feels totally different now. Perhaps because each tire was supposed to have 44 PSI (pressure/square inch, I believe), and that flat tire... wait for it... was. at. five.

You may already know this, but

2009-06-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

Today I chipped my tooth, on a skittle. Dang it. It's like I thought the skittle was in between my back teeth, and for some reason chomped down on it really hard, only it wasn't there. Yep, my third from center bottom tooth got crunched, and a wee teeny chip came off. I didn't even notice until a minute later, when I ran my tongue over the newly razor-sharp peak. It was a very Springer Monday. I have to wait until next Thursday to get it fixed. Hope nobody wants to french before then, I may cut his tongue;)

Things I have no use for in this life...

2009-06-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

1. Short-sleeve men's dress shirts and the men that wear them
2. Temperatures higher than 80 degrees
3. Other drivers
4. Fergie
5. Iceberg lettuce
6. Closed-mouth kisses with men
7. Beets
8. The new reality show "Kendra," the person it is based on, and any and all ads that make me
aware that the show (and the girl) even exists.
9. Juicy Brand
10. Small bath-tubs

Lame-o

2009-06-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

It's 9:17 and I think I'm going to go lie down. Like, go to bed. I'm a freakin tired old lady right now.

Dogs with human characteristics

2009-06-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

I walked Walter and Jojo the other day. I took them down to this big field, took off their leashes. "Go run in the field! Run!" I shouted.
Jojo takes off into the field, happy to be alive. Thrilled to be a dog, in a field.
Walter takes off running down the sidewalk adjacent to the field. Yep. He's what you might call "indoorsy." He pretty much only touches grass to actually go #1 or #2 in it. We're MFEO*.

*I DO NOT go #1 or #2 or anything in any fields. What I mean is, I don't get close to nature unless it's an absolute necessity. You knew what I meant.

This may be sacrilegious. But, I'm gonna say it anyway. Because it's funny.

2009-06-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

Driving through Dallas, I saw the "Fifth Church of Christ, Scientist."
I though it was funny because it seems like "Scientist" is the Church's first name. Like Smith, John.
Mere thought it was funny because it seems like Christ is a scientist.
I am sure it is neither. I think "Scientist" is a designation. But whatever, the other two are such better, funnier meanings. To me. Because I am already going to hell, so why not?

Mom?

2009-06-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

My sister and I were walking up to my parent's place, and saw a person on a balcony which we thought was my parent's. Meredith was like, "is that mom?" I wasn't wearing my seeing-eye-glasses, so I was like, "yeah," and yelled, "MOM?!"
Yeah, no. It wasn't my mom. It was a dude, on the balcony next door. A big dude, smoking a cigarette and bald-headed. He was white. That was about where the similarity to my 5'2'', size zero, non-smoking mom with hair ended.
Not as funny in the re-telling. But, we were laughing so hard we cold barely walk.

I have a theory...

2009-05-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

That nobody uses the word "ornery" outside of Utah. I don't even think they know what it means, that's how often they use it out here in not-Utah. I doubt I ever heard it before going to BYU. Maybe I'm just uneducated... but I don't think so, because I've always been a sort of vocabulary-nerd.
I hate that word. Ornery. Just awful.

Actual moment:

2009-05-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

"I like you better with your hair down." -John, from my writers' workshop.
Having seen my all weekend with my strait hair down, I think his delicate sensibilities were offended by my up-done curly hair on Wed.
Later, he clarified, (because I didn't already get it), "You know, you look okay, it's just that you were smokin' this weekend..." Thanks, buddy.

I am hoping this is an optical illusion...

2009-05-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is that the skinniest alive person you have ever seen? What is that, an 8-inch waist?

Kate Bosworth, I am totally sending you a Chipotle gift card. Go ahead, order a burrito. And don't skip the sour cream.

What's with all these muppet-flus, anyway?

2009-05-06T22:46:00.001-07:00

Bird-flu. Swine-flu. C'mon!

Thanks!

2009-05-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

For following me already, my fab friends!!

Book Pitch

2009-05-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

I pitched my book, "The Anticool," to this awesome agent on Saturday. I went in there sooooo terrified, but he was really easy to talk to, and his jovial personality made me much more relaxed. He laughs a lot, and as my favorite thing to do is make people laugh, it was a great interview. All the laughing was perhaps contrasted with the conversation about my book, which is definitely dark, and in which everyone pretty much dies. So, we had two really happy, humorous people laughing one minute, and looking very serious and sad the next. It was pretty awesome. One of those life moments.
Anyway, he asked me to send the book over to him, which, of course, was my goal, so I am really happy. "The Anticool" may be a little heavier than what he usually takes on, but hopefully he will like the writing well enough to try it!
I am also starting a new blog about my writing. So that agents, or anyone interested in my writing have a place to check it out online... It is a work in progress, and the above paragraph is pretty much exact over there, too, but I am going to try to beef it up here this week with a resume, synopsis of "The Anticool," and more writery stuff.

Hey, you guys!

2009-05-03T14:12:00.000-07:00

So, look over there, to the right... Higher... higher... See that little section of "followers?" Yep. I have two. TWO. I know, I have been a lazy blogger. But I promise to do better. Will you click "follow" for me? It will make me feel all warm and fuzzy and whatnot. Because if I'm not popular, I'm nothing ;) JK. But, really, follow my blog, eh?

Transition into pedophilia

2009-05-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

What is it about Transitions Lenses that makes people look like child-molesters?

Random thoughts

2009-04-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

1. A forward from my sister:

From the daily diary of a cat:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . . .

2. I like this:

I stole it from my friend Matt's facebook.

3. There is this ad campaign where Popeye's chicken keeps calling their chicken "bona fide chicken." I can only imagine this is because of the fact that there are bones in the chicken (ick!) and 'bona' sounds like 'bone' for the first half. Because "in good faith chicken" just doesn't make any damn sense. To me, or anyone.

4. Facebook has created a phraseology that really ends up sounding like broken english. Remember how status updates used to say "Maigen is _____" and you would fill in the blank? And you could delete the "is" if you were not in a lazy mood and were more concerned about creating an actual sentence. But, a lot of the time, you got updates like "Susan is Bahamas!" (meaning "Susan is in the Bahamas!") or "Marcy is new pair of shoes!" (instead of "Marcy has a new pair of shoes!"), etc... This always kind of bothered me. Well, now the "is" is gone. Now, it just says "Maigen _____," and you fill it in. Here's what: have you guys noticed that people are now FILLING IN an unnecessary "is?!" Like, "Kylie is dinner with family tonight!" or "Tyler is vacation tomorrow!" I mean, if you aren't going to make a sentence (I'm okay with that, like just make a statement, like "Maigen Snoop rocks!" Because I can see what you are doing there. You aren't writing a sentence. 'Maigen' is not a noun, it is an identifier here. But, when you add that 'is,' you are implying that 'Maigen' is a noun, and 'is' is a verb, and we're gonna have a lovely little sentence. Anywho, just an observation. If I start hearing this in conversation, I will have to officially FREAK OUT.

5. Maigen is new pair of shoes!!

6. I am pitching my book to an agent from NYC on Saturday. I am terrified! Wish me luck :)

7. WAY stoked about the Mavs advancing in the finals! I am trying to think positive, but am skeptical. I know what they do. Hopefully I am wrong. Hopefully they will not choke like they usually do.

8. How about that Air Force One stunt? (And I'm not talking about the shoes...) Wow. I mean, just, wow.

9. Swine FLU. Dude, please. Talk to me when it's the Bubonic Plague. Or Ebola. They day I walk around wearing a surgical mask and I'M NOT DOING SURGERY, well, it won't be good. That's a FMOTW just waiting to happen.

10. Check out this song! I love it! The whole thing is good, but the first 30 seconds are killer! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaECKn8xwcY

I love you, Anthropologie, but...

2009-04-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Truly, Anthro is my all-time favorite store. If I could marry an inanimate object, it would be Anthropologie. But, in my email ad today, they had this:
I mean, they are advertising jeans. With this picture? These jeans look terrible on her, a size zero model. Look what they are doing to her. They fit hideously. (Click on the pic, you can tell a little better when the pic is bigger how bad they are.) The crotch is all out-of-wack, and is very possibly riding up whilst in the exact same moment sagging. (Teri, she needs one of those butterfly things... Just a warning, clicking the link might make you throw up in your mouth a little...)
But, Anthro, do not be dismayed, I am still loyal and in love and everything nice.

"Lady" Gaga ALREADY grossed me out...

2009-04-21T16:40:00.001-07:00

FREAK!!! All other things aside, that lipstick makes her look like a member of the "Cats" cast. WHY, oh, why would you do that to your face, even if it already started out kind of fugly?!

Gripefest.

2009-04-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, I have been walking/doing sprints the past week or so out in my neighborhood. There's this little trail about half a mile down the road, and I walk over there and do my thing. Here is what I hate:
a) Texas drivers don't respect a cross-walk. I am telling you, not only do they not slow down and wait if they see someone waiting to cross, but they would happily mow me down if I were mid-way across and didn't move out of their way quickly enough. In fact, I'd be willing to take it a bit farther and say that they would actually try to hit me if I were in the street, but not in their way. Say I'm in the other lane, but still in the street. I would not put it past them to actually change lanes, hit me, and then high-five their passenger.
b) Other people on walks, etc, walk past, I say "hi," and they either just smile or completely ignore me. I verbalized, dude. It's not hard to say "hi" back. I mean, a smile is okay, I'm not gonna hate you if you smile, but I am going to be mildly annoyed. The total ignore is completely unacceptable, though. That justifies retaliation. Like, the other day, my mom said "hi" to this lady on the trail (they were the only people for a mile), and the lady totally ignores her, and keeps looking forward. Later, we took mom's dogs over to run around in the park-y part. There is that same stupid lady, walking backwards, no less. So, when she walks over (still no greeting) and says "can you put your dogs on a leash so I don't trip over them?" Mom says "you won't trip over them." Jerky lady says, "I'm doing rehab." Mom says, "you won't trip over them, I'll keep them in the grass." Had the lady said "hi" earlier, mom says, she would have absolutely put the on a leash, no problem. Man, she's great.
c) Sprints are hard. I really hate when I have to start one in front of people. Today, I had to start one in front of these kids. It looks so bizarre, like I'm trying to show off, "look at me, I'm not just walking, I can run so fast! Har har har!" But even worse is finishing a sprint and then seeing people. Because here I am, walking at a quite normal pace, panting, probably looking like I'm about to pass out or die or both. I look like such a freak. The people are like, "wow, she's in even worse shape than she looks! Girlfriend's about to have a coronary from strolling."

Oh YEAH...

2009-04-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am seeing Snoop Dogg in concert on May 5th!! I think he would also appreciate the fact that I got my ticket on National Smoke-Out Day. The man does love his recreational drugs. I am so excited!

I mean it

2009-04-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with Dry Idea deoderant?
Don't give me the idea that I'm dry, I'd rather be dry. Thanks.

Man, I feel ya...

2009-04-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

You may have already seen this on my facebook, and if you have, sorry for the redundancy. But, it needed to be posted here, too. I saw this in the hallway at the elementary school where I tutor, and thought it was the funniest thing ever! I know that's how I feel when somebody moves my cheese!!! I mean, hilarity.

Michelin man ain't got nothin' on me

2009-04-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today, at work (in a very shady, windy, freezing canopy where I sat for hours freezing my proverbial bullocks off) I wore:

White camisole over classic white wrap top
Nice brown tweed trousers (lined, but now I realize that a silky lining in pants can actually make you colder)
cute peacock blue Audrey-Hepburn-esque swing jacket
great orange coral and brass accessories
brown on brown polka-dot trouser socks
ballet flats with bow and bronze toe
funky Betsy Johnson frilly girl sunglasses...
orange suede gloves with tassels at wrists

And that's exactly where the cute ends...

Add:

my "Fargo" hat (which is cool in its own right, perhaps not with the rest of the ensemble)
my brown thick jacket with fur-lined hood (hood UP)
my really oversized, hideous, keep-it-in-the-trunk-in-case-of-emergency GAP black puffer coat that could easily fit at least one other person, or as many as TWO Olsen twins, along with me, inside
another sweater-y coat wrapped around my legs as I sat for extra warmth

I looked like a freak who belonged in, well, Fargo. Except, even with all the millions of layers, I was still freezing. I am still cold. I left work hours ago and have taken a hot shower since then. I think the cold is in my bones.

Traffic Rizzle (that's rap for "Report")

2009-04-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

I heard the BEST traffic report this morning! I was listening to one of the local hip-hop stations, and this guy gets on, obviously white but trying really, really hard to sound like he is some gangsta, or rapper, or whatever.
He's all, "we got crunk traffic this morning," (okay, first of all, I doubt they're "crunk," check your urban dictionary before you use the term incorrectly, playa)... And "highway 635 is off the chain between Coit and the tollway."
And then he signs off. "This has been C Dub for K104," or something like that. Honey, I am sure you have been told to sound really "tight," or "hard," or "ghetto," but as I am sure "C Dub" stands for something like Christopher Wilkinson, you may want to tone it down a notch... It's a little overkill. Or, alternatively, stay the same, because it's just too darn hilarious!
(I admit that I, too, sometimes fancy myself quite the rapper, and therefore this post is slightly ironic. But, come on, I'm not doing it over the radio! Maybe I should...)

Nothing like a man who smells good enough to eat!

2009-04-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

I was at the counter at this gas station today, and there was this display of those little generic colognes.
You know the ones, the label says stuff like "Our Version of Eternity," "Our Version of Chanel No 5," "Our Version of Coolwater."
One of the labels was slightly mis-printed (I am sure this was a really first class operation), and "Our Version of Coolwater" had, with the miniscule shift of type, became "Our Version of Codwater."
Codwater. Yes. Now I know what I've been missing. A man who smells like fish. I should have bought it. Maybe I'll go back.

Totally cute!

2009-03-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

I saw "Last Chance Harvey." It is really good. Total romantic comedy, but less sickening than most. Harvey is a great example of a man who knows what he wants (Kate) and goes after it. He is old-fashioned and it is nice. Plus, sweet side-story of him and his daughter. Recommended.

Sunshine Cleaning

2009-03-26T15:32:00.001-07:00

This is a great film. Loved it. I totally recommend it. It's the first time I've really liked Amy Adams. Great acting all around. Great story. A lot of empathy for the characters. Sad and funny. Inspiring. Can I write one more short sentence? I bet I can. Staccato.

Rad.

2009-03-25T09:36:00.001-07:00

So, I didn't have to turn in my whole book on Friday! I have until the beginning of May! What! I am so glad that my procrastination paid off ;)

Here's what.

2009-03-17T19:32:00.001-07:00

I am in need of about 20 extra hours this week, and this week happens to be the first week when I have at least 10 extra hours of work. So... the math doesn't quite add up.
Does anyone want to re-vamp "The Anticool" for me? Like, do some major editing, spruce up the beginning, and bring the plot in sooner? You know, like, re-write my 200 page novel? By, umm, Friday? Because that's when the thing is due. To be able to pitch it in May to some agents from NYC. Crap. I thought I had until May. Procrastination is a b****.
Oh, and also, I think I mentioned I am growing my hair out. This is what I want it to become:

Sparkles and all... Because, don't there seem to be sparkles in it? Oh, I know, I will have to bleach the hell out of it. And, umm, while I'm at it, if you could make sure I also get her face, that would be great...

Seriously, though, don't you love the hair? I haven't had long hair in a while. Nor will I, for a while. Waiting sucks. Patience is totally not my virtue.

Speaking of virtues, in college I knew a girl named Charity. Charity Ball. She got married. Became Charity Fails. I do not jest. All those cross-stitched "Charity Never Faileth"s all over her dorm room became null and void. True story.

Also, once I cross-stitched "Though we adore men individually, we agree that, as a group, they're rather stupid" from Mary Poppins, all flowery and girly. I was going to make a pillow, but it has ended up just chillin' in a box somewhere. I will find it soon, and take a picture of it to show you on here. You will like it. You'll like it 'cause I say you'll like it.

Movies

2009-03-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

Just saw "Gran Torino" today. Man, it really is freakishly good. I was surprised. Not really being too familiar with Clint Eastwood, I was pretty impressed. Totally recommend it. Of course, the language was a little harsh, and his racial slurs were pretty rampant, but it was an amazing story with great characters. Really, really recommend it. I also think the finger-gun is a much underused thing in our society. Thanks, Clint, for bringing it back. I plan to employ it in my daily life.
I saw "The Class," a foreign film I had been pretty excited about based on the trailer, a couple of weeks ago. What a huge disappointment. For some reason, I was expecting something very "Half Nelson," (which I recommend if you haven't seen), but I was way off. It was sooooooo long, and nothing ever really happened. Aside from the audience becoming extremely annoyed by the hideously rude, not to mention unattractive to the utmost degree, 13-15-year-old student punks in this guy's class. Deux thumbs down.

I just re-watched "The Royal Tenenbaums." Man, so good. Has the best attempted-suicide scene ever. SO dark, and real, and scary. Amazing. Plus, Gwen's eye-make-up has proven a useful template to me in years past, when men have made me mad and bulk pretty panty shopping is unavoidable.

Okay, so you'll laugh at me, as Anti-"Twilight" as I have always been, but last night I saw "Twilight." And, I guess I gotta admit, my expectations were so low, and I thought I'd hate it so much, that I actually enjoyed it a little bit. Lame? Sure. Bad acting? Yep. Bad special effects? Oh, yeah. But did I throw up, turn it off early, or storm out? No. Go, "Twilight." Gotta say, something about a man loving you because deep down he wishes he could eat you for dinner is a little bit sexy. Or creepy. Also, gotta love those dead eyes. Or not. Basically, I didn't hate it. Not as much as I hated "Lakeview Terrace," or "Rachel Getting Married." Now, that's not saying much, but it's saying something.

Two Lovers Trailer (high quality)

2009-03-11T17:21:00.001-07:00

That above is the actual name of the video on youtube. "High quality," I am sure, does not describe this film, however. Just seemed ironic.
I saw the preview today at the theater, and was literally shaking my head the whole time. By the end, it was all I could do not to flip off the screen in my annoyance. I whispered "a-hole" under my breath several times. I hate this movie, and haven't even seen it. Nor will I. Ever.

Here's what I've decided...

2009-03-07T07:29:00.000-08:00

Two blogs.

Yeah, it might be a pain, but this blog will be filled with fashion, movies, funny stories, etc.

The new blog will be where my pics are, more personal stories, thoughts, feelings, and the more juicy details of the escapades of the girl you all know and love: ME!

So, I'm gonna sort out the details of this new blog. Shoot me an email (you can from my profile here, or if you already have my email address) or leave a comment with your email address and I will get you in on that deal. Of course, pending approval from the "you're not the reason she decided to do a private blog in the first place" committee. I think most of you will pass with flying colors, though! (I do have a couple of "blog friends" who I haven't actually met, and if you gals want invites, let me know... you are not the people I am worried about.)

Hopefully this won't be a big pain. But, I think it's worth it.

And, if you don't want to read the private blog, I will keep bringing you things like this:

from GFY. Those "Real Housewives," who I have never watched, btw, really gross me out. And this gal's outfit is like a slutty witch Halloween costume without the underwire support it so desperately needs. I rue the day I ever found out sweater tube-tops existed... That was yeaterday. I rue it.

Suckey, suckey blogger...

2009-03-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

That's me.
I never blog anymore, and when I do, it's just a little comment like this about how bad I am at it lately.
So, yeah.
I am doing the whole flip-flop thing about going private... You know, so I can talk about stuff. Put up pics. Et al. And not be all "well, this is going out into the void where any old stalker and/or pervert or creep can find it, hunt me down, and torture me about my personal life and my opinions about fashion and Nicolas Cage's 'acting' (perhaps even by making me watch 'Face/Off' over and over...oy vey)..." You know, the usual concerns...
But, see, then, I can't look at my statcounter and think about my popularity the world over, my fans in Italy, and China, and all isles tropical... And, I gotta say, sometimes those random hits make me feel all warm and fuzzy. 'Yes! I have international appeal! I knew it!'
What do you think? For those of you who have taken the plunge and "gone private," is it suckey? And, if so, how would you rate the suckiness? Like: me, as a blogger, suckey? Or: Britney Spears, as a classical singer, suckey? Or: is it just, oops, I dropped my peanut-butter-toast face-down, suckey?

A girl can dream...

2009-02-23T09:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I had terrible style just so I could go on "What Not to Wear," hang with Stacy and Clinton, and spend their $5000 on clothes in NYC!

Maybe I could fake it? Go to Good Will and buy some pleated, high-waisted, tapered kahkis? Or, what I saw a lady out wearing yesterday: a neon yellow pair of ski overalls, all puffy, with blocks of other primary colors randomly stitched on with a grey cable-knit sweater, and high-heeled construction-boots... Hmmm... Maybe that's a winner.

Morning sucks

2009-02-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

Me and 7:45 am are getting to be really good friends. Not my idea. It just lies there, nudging me awake at, well, 7:45 am, when I rarely, if ever, actually have to be up at that time. Every morning. And, I usually roll over, look at it, and fumble some obscene hand gesture or manage to breathe out two letters right in 7:45 am's face, "f...u..."
When I googled "7:45 pic," this came up:
That seems about right...

Weird

2009-02-19T18:40:00.000-08:00

I wish I had a picture, but today I saw this guy driving around an old ambulance. It was his normal car. I figured it out because the lettering was all removed, and the driver was smoking a cigarette. But, it was still red, still had lights on top.
Wigged me out. Made me think of some old Nicolas Cage movie where he drives around on some mad bender in an ambulance either killing people or exacting some kind of vigilante justice on people by inflicting his bad acting on them. I didn't see it, but I remember some pieces of it from some rather unfortunate channel surfing or previews or something. Either way, he was green or else everything was lit with fluorescent bulbs in some majorly unflattering overhead lighting.

Old friends...

2009-02-19T18:12:00.001-08:00

Lately, I have been lucky to see (and talk to) a few old friends (and no, they are not old, I am the only old person in this post, but the friendships reach back to my teen years) that I haven't seen in a long time.
It has been way fun!
I got to see my fabulous high school friends, Molly and Allison, both at Christmas. Which was rad. I did not have the foresight then to take pictures. I hate it when that happens.
I got to hang out with Krissy and Tyler, also high school friends, last week. Look how stylin' we all are at the Sambuca Jazz Club (yes, this is when I wore those killer shoes):Yesterday I spent a whole hour talking to my college freshman bff, Jennie. I am sad to admit that the pictures of us are so old that they are not even digital. Someday, I will scan those puppies in, or maybe get the negatives transferred onto a cd. Man, I really am old.
This weekend, I get to hang out with my high school friend, Missy, whose normal-sized head by sharp contrast emphasizes the hugeness of my own. Behold:It has been so fun to reconnect with everyone! And, of course, I have gotten to email with several old friends on Facebook lately. That's fun, too, although the book-made-of-faces (or is it the face-that's-a-book?) is a little less fun than sitting around laughing and eating, say, cantaloupe gelato together... Hmm... I think I have a craving.

Update:

2009-02-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

Those shoes were actually quite comfortable, and easy to walk in. Bonus!

A lovely day in general

2009-02-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

I have been flirting with breaking this 10-pound-mark in my weight loss for a while... It's just been there, taunting me. I finally breached it today!
I have a renewed outlook on my diet now. Plus, everything else is going pretty darn well. My hair is finally growing out, the man situation doesn't suck at all, and work is bearable. 2009 is shaping up to be pretty much 'tha' bomb!' And you know I mean business if I use a term as lame as 'tha' bomb.'
PS: going to a sweet jazz club tonight. Yeah, pretty excited about that, too. My BFF from high school is in town and we are catching up after what feels like forever! Not only that, I am wearing a pair of shoes whose first wear I have been jealously guarding for just such an occasion. They are heaven on earth.

Isn't it the worst?

2009-02-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

Do you ever look forward to something, like, all day, and then it happens, only you miss it for an idiotic reason?
I hate when that happens.

Today, I wore...

2009-02-11T17:22:00.000-08:00

A black dress with greeny/bluey polka-dots, a black cardi, a black cami, and black flats.
My co-worker, who is also a marketer, wore a black dress with greeny/bluey polka-dots (same exact one), a black cardi, a green cami, and black boots.
Umm, yeah.

I know, I know...

2009-02-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

I've been told that some of you (who shall remain nameless, JARED) are mad at me for not posting anything good lately.
Well, the good stuff in my life is just too darn good to put on here, and everything else is just blah.
Sometime soon I will become funny again, and will start coming up with some new theories. For now, you guys pretty much know all my theories. Patience, my friends. I will be back.
For now, feast your minds on this: today I saw a lady wearing a track suit with really tall, pointy, fancy black pumps. I do not jest. The horror, oh, the horror.

I had to steal this, Mel!

2009-02-09T22:00:00.001-08:00

This was only my friend Melanie's blog, and I just HAD to steal it! I laughed so hard, I got an ab workout. I think the best part is "is this FOREVER?"
You really MUST hit play. SO worth it. Get ready to LYAO (do you like how I incorporated a hip texting word, only with a twist? I hate LMAO, LOL, etc... Don't you?)

I just LOVE this...

2009-02-09T11:16:00.001-08:00

SO me.

I survived

2009-02-09T10:10:00.000-08:00

My younger sister's wedding. I will put some pics up later. Let me assure you, I looked fabulous. My date looked even more fabulous. Nobody (especially not me) bemoaned my spinsterhood with that beautiful (and smart! stylish! confident! fun!) man-candy on my arm.

The wedding was very simple, sweet, and quick. The reception was nice, as well, with good people, food, and entertainment.

The only things that did not survive the wedding, however, were, unfortunately, my eyebrows. The night before, I got a mani/pedi. In a moment of clairvoyance about the unlikelihood that I would be able to manage a major eyebrow-plucking-session before the event, I asked the girl (I'm in a salon, after all), for an eyebrow wax.

Count this as one of the hugest mistakes of my adult life.

I wish the picture did it justice.

Okay, so, going in, I'm like, "I really like thick eyebrows, so not too thin... Just really natural, please." And, somehow, she translated that to "Go ahead and wax the top."

Umm... guess what? You shouldn't really wax or pluck the top, aside from the random stray clean-up. Had I seen you were about to do that before I felt the warm wax being applied, I would have, in slow motion, with arms flailing, shouted, "Nooooooooo...."

So, my left eyebrow is almost okay. It's really about right, aside from minimal damage to the top. Maybe slightly too thin at the thick end. My right eyebrow, however, is a skinny stripe. No change in width all the way across. Not enough to even work with with my magical eyebow pencil. I got butchered.

I guess I'm back to plucking. Which pains me, because I always end up crying. But not as much as I want to cry when I see my freaky eyebrows in the mirror right now. At least there's no emotion behind it when I cry about plucking.

This is not original at all...

2009-02-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

BUT:
"When I Googled this Teyana Taylor person to find out more about her, I learned she has a single called "Google Me." Eerie. I expect to find out that, minutes before I finish typing, she's released a follow-up called "Fug Me," because she's some kind of rapper-psychic.
Although it doesn't take ESP or a crystal ball to know she was going to get it from us for this:

Have you ever been faced with a buffet so sumptuous -- or at least so full of breakfast pastries -- that you were paralyzed from not knowing where to start? That is how I feel right now. Do I begin with the workout pants? The boots, which look like she shot Fozzy Bear after mugging a stripper? Or the understated, tasteful corset? It's a marvel of symbolism: the ruby navel, the gold chain flap dangling slightly north of where her natural-born Google would be...
But nothing is quite so achingly subtle as the mammoth bejewelled pseudo-nipples that cover her actual skin-made ones. It's like her Faberge egg hatched and she's getting ready to breast-feed its spawn. This might be my favorite outfit in GFY history. I need at LEAST three in different colors."

The girls at GFY have really outdone themselves this time! And this girl has really outdone most rodeo clowns. I just copied and pasted, because the whole url thing wasn't working for me today. I hope this makes you as happy as it did me! My favorite part may be the Faberge egg reference! (Also, do you notice how her torso appears to be eerily smiling at you? Creepy...)

She looks like a buttercream.

2009-01-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

Why?!

2009-01-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

Her shoes and bag* are just way too matchy-matchy!

*I realize this is the least of her problems... I was just trying to be ironic.

I saw the worst movie...

2009-01-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

Even the Gorgeous Mr. Statham couldn't save this downer of an "action" flick. Boo. Two thumbs down. He never even fought topless. What a waste. (But, there were plenty of topless women... Ick.)
I had heard it was so great from more than one person. But, as far as a Jason Statham flick goes (and let's be honest-- they are almost all the same), this is the worst one yet. I'd definitely recommend a "Transporter," or "The Italian Job" over this any day. Heck, I'd recommend almost any action flick over this one. You'd be wise to catch "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," or "You Kill Me," actually. Those'll be my recommendations. There's your Phoenix out of the ashes of "The Bank Job."

Well, I did it.

2009-01-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

Oh... you! No, not IT... Get your mind out of the gutter...
What I did was (and bear in mind that I only a week ago heard a horror story about somebody doing this exact thing, and was laughing, and laughing, and laughing [which is totally why it happened to me]) use the restroom and come out with skirt tucked in my tights. In front.
I walked all the way through this room before anyone told me. At a funeral. The only two things that made the embarrassing moment less hideous were:
a) I was wearing a slip (which I always get made fun of for, but, hoorah for slips! I knew I wore them for a reason!), even if it was extremely short. At least no one saw that ugly top part of my tights.
b) Honestly, and I really don't mean to make light of the situation, it's what Zane (the fabulous friend whose funeral I was at) would have wanted. This was exactly the type thing he would have just loved! And he would have laughed, and laughed, and laughed. I felt like he was smiling down on me.

All Seinfeld, all the time...

2009-01-14T18:45:00.000-08:00

I think I would be much happier if there was a channel that just played "Seinfeld" re-runs on a big, long, loop. I could avoid so much dish-network-guide surfing, wishful thinking, crappy tv skimming if this were the case. I can do easily without all the other stories on the television set, but, a girl needs her Jerry.

Vacation's over :(

2009-01-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

This is when I pout. But, I had a very fun time off, including, but not limited to:

sleeping in several times. It was glorious!
birthday celebrations lasting until yesterday. Thanks to my fabulous friends for taking me out, and for all the birthday wishes!
NOT WORKING
beginning the packing process for my impending move (good, because it makes me feel like a self-starter. Bad, because it means I have to actually move the crap later).
brushing up on my b-ball skills, and watching LL in action (muy fabuloso) :)
re-watching "In Bruges," and discovering "Boondock Saints" *sigh*
finally getting a multitude of drugs to try to battle my allergies and the associated sinus headaches. Drug me up, baby. And, man, are they working...
wasting time making databases for pro/cons lists, memoirs, et al. Gosh, I really am a freaking nerd.
fun trip to Houston to discover that, hey, I don't hate it! Who knew?
the randomness of not gaining any weight, and in fact being back to my pre-holiday weight. And, the promise that upon moving in with mom & Bob, my a** will invariably, and rather quickly, shrink. Woot!
getting a hot date to my sister's wedding. I would prefer the nosy guests be like, "wow, Maigen's got a really cute and fabulous date," instead of, "oh, poor Maigen. Her younger sister is getting married. Old maid." Umm, yeah, that's not happening. (PS: used the same tactic at Meredith's wedding, and it was rather successful. I feel that only my severe case of food poisoning held me back from being the belle of that ball.)
hung out with Walter and Jojo a lot. Those puppies rock!
unfortunately saw "Step-Brothers." What a waste of time, not to mention the little part of my soul that died while watching it. Just the worst. Top 5 worst movies ever contender.
saw "The Reader," which was interesting. Also, a bit like soft porn at times. That could be good or bad depending on your taste for soft porn. I was pretty uncomfortable, but other than the nudity, it was a very good story. And, of course, the acting was impeccable. Not sure I can recommend it, though. It was pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty heavy on the sex.

Well, tomorrow is work. Oh, man. It's all good, though. I like my job, remember? (I'll just say it over and over to try to remind myself... or to make myself believe it...) No, really. It could be LOTS worse. I actually do like it. And, I only have to work four days this week. I can live through four days of anything. Plus, in the middle will be my writer's group and "gangster movie night" with LL. Yeah, good times.

Four. Four days until my day off. And counting... (I sound like The Count from Sesame Street again...)

Moving sucks... Part Deux

2009-01-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

As happy as I may be for my sister and her fiance', may I just say, as I begin to pack my stuff yet again, MOVING SUCKS!!
I really love my apartment. I am pretty sad to leave it. I am pretty sad to move in with mom & Bob, even just temporarily (even though I love them and the puppies that live there). I really would love to get a fabulous one-bedroom, but waiting a bit will be seriously good for my finances. Be that as it may, the idea of moving again, no matter where I am moving to (I only just moved last June) makes me want to cry. My neck is hurting just thinking about it.

Dead girl walking...

2009-01-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

Today was my last day in the singles' ward. I was actually okay with it, and went around making jokes to my friends about it like, "well, I'm gettin' the axe," or, "they're calling me in to fire me," about my meeting with the second counselor after church. Turns out, it was just a little "yearly" catch-up meeting, in which I had to tell them that I was flunking out. (You know, was past the age limit of a "YSA [young single adult]" and now fall into the category of "OSA [old single adult].)

Seriously, I actually find the whole thing quite comical, as is my standard reaction to most things in my life. You should see me do my impression of the ward dusting its hands of me and saying "well, we have done all we can for you and you are on your own! Good luck with the 60-year-olds!" It's hysterical. (Of course, the bishop was actually not like that at all, and in fact was very sweet and encouraging. I just like to hyperbolize.)

However, everyone else seemed quite distressed about it. Like, they were seeing me on my last day on earth, or were attending my funeral. I half expected a "eugoogely" ("Zoolander") from a few folks.

Huh. I guess I was not taking it as seriously as I should have... I mean, my main concern is not seeing my friends at church and missing them. Is that wrong? Does anybody else hear a deathmarch? ;)

Eulogize if you must...

Me, as an old lady

2009-01-10T12:42:00.000-08:00

I was driving around yesterday, speakers blaring, rapping along with some of the greats. I started thinking to myself about my age. I was older now. Was listening to/loving rap as much as I do still appropriate? At what age will I finally have to give it up? And just how much will I miss Snoop, Busta, Eminem, Outkast, Fabolous, DMX, 50, et al?!

That's when I knew: never. I will never quit liking rap. I may not like every jam. I may not like every new rapper that shows up on the block, rockin my hood. But, I will probably always love rap...

Which brought to mind an image of me, eighty years old, cruisin' in my Caddy, blarin' Busta and keeping up with all his rhymes. I realize I will look hilarious. However, I don't think I will be the only one. Think about it. The old people now listen to the music they loved when they were young. So, when our generation is old, we will certainly still listen to the music that was popular and fun in our youth.

This will be me:

And I'm pretty pumped about it.

Check out this hilarious e-card I got:

2009-01-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

Holla, Michelle!

Happy Birthday to me!!

2009-01-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

So, to everyone who has left comments wishing me a happy birthday, THANK YOU!!! Gosh, between blogs & facebook & just old-fashioned texting and calls, I have had a record number of birthday wishes! I feel SO loved today! Y'all rock!
I didn't really plan anything this year. Usually, I want to get all my friends together in a celebration of, well, ME! But, frankly, I haven't been very excited about this particular birthday. But, then, whilst watching "Boondock Saints" in the middle of the night last night on my Netflix instant play thingy, I decided, what the heck?! I want to have fun, even if I am older than dirt.
("Boondock Saints," by the way, is absolutely incredible. It has joined the ranks of my 'favorite movies ever.' If you can handle mega-violence and pretty bad language, it really is awesome. Funny, sad, mobster-related... What more can a girl want? "In Bruges" is very reminiscent of it, so if you love "In Bruges," I highly recommend "Boondock.")
My b-day has been good so far. Aside from waking up obscenely early for not having slept, I have had a great day! David took me to breakfast (where I got regular coke. Take that, New Year's Resolution)! Then we went to his future condo so I could see what I have to work with (I get to decorate it)!
Then, in hopes of getting a birthday present for myself, I went to the Harold's outlet. Which is going out of business. Which means 80-90% off, and then an additional 40% off if you get a few items. So, uh, yeah. You can imagine the mayhem. Amazing clothes averaging 10 bucks a pop. I mean, it was incredible. I got a couple of things, but wished I could have gone really crazy. If you live near a Harold's, you must go. If you live near a Harold's outlet, you really must go! It would be a darn shame to miss it.
So, I was planning on getting a massage, but I think maybe the retail therapy helped. Although my back is still whack. Maybe my amateur chiropractor step-dad, Bob, can crack my back for me later.
Tonight, dinner with the fam! It's been a great day:)
Plus, my one tiny birthday wish came true already. Go, me! My thirties are going to kick my twenties' a**.

Houston mini-break

2009-01-08T16:10:00.000-08:00

I went to Houston this last weekend. So fun! On the way there, I had the ultimate fake out:

Okay, so I am driving in Dallas, and ahead of me, in the fast lane, and not going very fast, might I add, is a huge caravan of buses, a Penske truck, and police escort. Immediately, I realize, it's the Bushes, moving their stuff to town! Woo-hoo! Though still slightly perturbed that the caravan chose the fast lane, I was stoked. Also, I was more than annoyed at all the other cars, who just couldn't seem to work up the nerve to pass the caravan so I could get a good picture, not to mention, pass it myself. I wanted to yell, "hey, these cops are busy! They aren't about to stop what they are doing to pull you over, you idiots!"

Then, I realize, we are totally on the wrong highway to be going to their new place. And, why would George W ever rent a Penske truck? And, where's Limo One?! And, look at all these other cars, going to, oh, dang it, the Cotton Bowl. That was just a lame football team.

Houston was way fun. Had sushi, seafood, went to an art museum, the Angelika theater, the Galleria, Galveston (which is like a creepy ghost town), church, tex-mex, and of course, DSW (even though we have it here, too, DSW is a Leslie/Maigen tradition).

It was fun to see my friend Marilyn's new house. I also got to hang out with Leslie and Jason and Bridgette. Here are Leslie, me, Bridgette, and Jason at Cafe Adobe for some delightful fajitas! Ole'!

You have NO BUSINESS...

2009-01-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

First of all, I was alerted to this new rubber menace by an ad on my very own blog! So, obviously, I do not always endorse every product that is mentioned there. The ad says something like, "Heels by Crocs!" which I knew was something I had to check out immediately.
Well, the link doesn't work, so I had to put forth actual effort and google "high heels by crocs." And the rest is history...
But here's what. How can they even call these "high heels?" Really, they can't. It's more of a clog, or a platform, even. But "high heels?" That's really stretching it. Because, mark my words, you will not see women who wear actual high heels caught dead in these "high heels by Crocs." The only way these shoes could be uglier is if they were regular Crocs.
Sorry, Crocs. You're a crock.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

Well, here are a few. Some are serious. Some... not so much.

Shrink. More. I've been stuck at the 15-pounds-lost point. Do you think the power of positive thinking will do it? Probably not. Hello, spinach!
Take belly-dancing lessons. (If I've got it, may as well flaunt it!)
Take up bike-riding. As an extension to this goal, do not get hit by a car while riding.
Fix the economy so that I can afford to take the risk of getting into tv production.
Become all-pro at kite-boarding this summer. As an extension to this goal, do not break my neck... or any bones, really.
Be less of a spaz when dealing with men I like. It'll be hard, but, I gotta stop acting a fool. I always blow it. Hopefully, not this time.
Get an agent and publish the rubbish that is "The Anticool."
Take down my Christmas decor sometime before next Christmas.
Maintain a believable 25-year-old look, all the while aging undetected.
Travel. Perhaps meeting and wooing a gorgeous Spaniard or Italian who speaks very little english in the process.
Get better at coming up with New Year's Resolutions.

Thank goodness for Courtney Love...

2009-01-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

She makes the rest of us look so good...
And I love that she seems to be shrugging off looks of horror or possibly exclamations of "What the?!"
The woman needs help. Courtney, for a reasonable fee, I can help you look less like a homeless version of the Madonna of "Material Girl." Believe me, this look is doing nothing for your figure. Or for your plight to remain outside the confines of a mental institution.

This poor guy...

2009-01-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

Tried to get out of the ski-lift and got stuck, dangling upside-down and half-naked, for between 7 and 15 minutes, until he was rescued by ski-resort workers.
It's so sad, and yet, so delightful...

The Killers - Human

2009-01-05T18:06:00.001-08:00

Ummm... Hmmm...
I guess I am behind the times, I hardly ever listen to the radio. I heard this for the first time this weekend.
The lyrics: "are we human, or are we dancer? My sign is vital, my hands are cold... and I'm on my knees, looking for the answer. Are we human, or are we dancer?"
Can somebody please tell me why stuff this stupid is necessary in life? Are we human, or are we DANCER? DANCER? Really? And, yeah, I know it is based on some dumb quote.
But, I am nonetheless disappointed in you that nobody called me the FIRST time they heard this. I would hope that I would be the first person that would pop into your head as needing to know about this type of insanity. Just FYI: I MUST be notified of stuff like this. It feeds my soul. The laughter that follows is like manna to my spirit. Please, I beg of you, next time, CALL ME!!! And we will laugh together. And come up with other versions, like "are we human, or are we peacock?" or "are we human, or are we pears?" or "are we human, or are we boredom?"

New Years, New schmears (Now I'm craving a bagel)

2009-01-01T16:40:00.001-08:00

What's the big deal with New Years', anyway?
Last night, I was at a totally fun party, and everyone was freaking out and screaming as we counted down. The whole celebration was lost on me, really. (Perhaps because there was not a tall-dark-and-handsome available at midnight to ring the thing in right, if you know what I mean).
Anywho, all the screaming got me thinking. What, exactly, were we (and by 'we,' I mean they, the girls in mini-dresses that may or may not have covered their lady-bits) screaming about?
It's a lot like high school graduation. So anticlimactic. Big deal. We got another year. It's not like, 'oh, good... we really thought the world might explode this time! Phew, we got another year! We have been allotted more time! Now, I can find that cure for cancer I've been working on, and figure out how to rid the world of Nicolas Cage's acting!'
I mean, fine. I like a New Year's Resolution as much as the next guy, and maybe you will see some of mine on here soon. But, the screaming is really over-the-top. Perhaps next year (if the world doesn't explode at midnight), y'all can spare my eardrums?
Or, maybe we can all wear graduation hats and move the tassell over, and high-five each other, while breathlessly exclaiming, 'I can't believe we made it!'