Here is why my sister's new boyfriend fits right in with our family...

And this is a true story. So don't go thinking I got really creative and funny all of a sudden. Those things I may be, but this story is so good, the comedic timing is so perfect, that my story-telling abilities (which I have been honing for a mere 30 years) are nowhere near sharp enough to concoct a tale woven so magnificently. I just hope I can do it justice.
Begin.


Evren's mother came over to clean up his apartment one day. In the straitening of his room, she found a new, unopened package of underwear that he had purchased on the run. He had not closely inspected the style of the underwear until that evening, upon returning home and finding them laid out on his bed.
(Which brings to mind the Seinfeld where Jerry is trying to talk dirty and says "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you" and completely freaks the girl out...)
They were man-thongs. At which point, Evren became convinced that his mother had become convinced he was gay.
("Not that there's anything wrong with that," Seinfeld would say, in the episode where he is outed to all of New York, but isn't gay. [This story is rife with Seinfeld-isms, which is one thing Evren and I have in common... I doubt he even watches it.] Typically, no matter how liberal and open-minded they may be, strait guys do not like to be mistaken as gay. From what I can tell. If you're strait, you don't generally want your mother thinking you're gay. And I think that's a fairly reasonable desire.)

So, not long after the panties incident, Evren arrives at the airport to pick up mom and dear old grams from a trip. As he waits curb-side, back door open awaiting mom, a transvestite slides into the car, I can only assume she thought it was a cab. "Step on it," she says.
Evren, thinking fast, and moving even faster (he is a professional kick-boxer, after all), grabs the tranny by her shoulders and pulls her from the car. She storms off in a huff (and although I was not there, I imagine her saying things like, "why, I never," and "baby, if you didn't like me, all you had to do was say so," or perhaps, if she was an angry tranny, "b****, I will cut you!"), and not a moment too soon, because here comes mom and his sweet granny.
On the road again. Evren breathes a sigh of relief, mom didn't see the tranny. Mom doesn't have more evidence that he is gay (even though he's not).
His relief is fleeting, however. He sees in the floorboard of the backseat a pair of high heels! Why, he had pulled that tranny right out of her shoes!
Mom is in the front seat. She had not yet seen the heels. Grandmom is in the back, remarking about the wreck on the side of the road. Evren directs their attention to something happening over there, and BAM! in one action, grabs those shoes, and tosses them out the window!
Crisis averted! Until...
Evren notices in the rear-view mirror that the BMW behind him has grabbed the shoes, and is waving them out the window, chasing him! BMW-guy is trying his darndest to help Evren out, thinking the shoes had accidentally fallen from the car.
Evren is trying to lose that BMW, weaving in and out of traffic, zig-zagging, running red lights. I imagine a scene from "The Transporter 3" during this portion of the story. Feel free to use your imagination.

Mom and grandmom are afraid, "Evren, slow down! What's the rush? You're driving crazy!" Evren explains urgently, still watching the BMW in his rear-view, "I really have to pee!"
Finally, the BMW has given up. They pull up to his house. Mom starts gathering her effects in the front seat.
And from behind him, Evren hears his grandmom say, "Where're my shoes?"