Jim Gaffigan, here I come!

Dear Jim Gaffigan,
I greatly look forward to seeing you perform tonight, in Austin, TX; where I will have checked into a one-star hotel (unless Priceline.com works out for a steal... look what I am willing to do for you, Jim!) and gouged myself on pancakes at the local eatery, which I know you would appreciate. "You can't have cake for breakfast. You're having fried cake, with syrup."
I hope your "Sexy tour" is even half as funny as "Beyond the Pale" was. I have that one memorized. I need some new material. The one-liners I have been passing off as my own and the long diatribes that no one gets but me (or my sister if she happens to be standing there) therefore making me laugh alone, at myself, but really at you, are getting dusty. Oldies but goodies, sure. I still need some new stuff.
I hope I get to meet you in the lobby, and that your "meet and greet" happens tonight. Even though it will be like, midnight.
I hope I will be zoomed in on by the camera-guys, as you are filming for your Comedy Central special. I will look extra-gorgeous, and laugh extra-big just in hopes of making it into the final cut. This face was made for television.
I hope that you are not put off (at the "meet and greet") by the fact that I am *wearing a wedding dress, just in case...
Jim, mostly, I hope that when we meet, I can say something funny, and that in the heat of the moment, it is not something I unwittingly stole from you. Gosh, how embarrassing would that be?
I also hope that I don't have a laughing-so-hard-I-actually-pee-myself problem tonight. Hasn't really happened before, but I have heard of this thing happening to people. That would suck. I do, however, often laugh so hard I cry, and in certain, especially hilarious situations (the first time I watched the "Beyond the Pale" dvd, for instance) because of the sheer amount of tears, smear my make-up all over my face. I hope I can control the make-up situation.
I also hope that you are a wee bit paler than I, but somehow I doubt it.
Yours,
M


*Not really, white is not my color. Washes me out.