Random thoughts

1. A forward from my sister:

From the daily diary of a cat:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . . .

2. I like this:

I stole it from my friend Matt's facebook.

3. There is this ad campaign where Popeye's chicken keeps calling their chicken "bona fide chicken." I can only imagine this is because of the fact that there are bones in the chicken (ick!) and 'bona' sounds like 'bone' for the first half. Because "in good faith chicken" just doesn't make any damn sense. To me, or anyone.

4. Facebook has created a phraseology that really ends up sounding like broken english. Remember how status updates used to say "Maigen is _____" and you would fill in the blank? And you could delete the "is" if you were not in a lazy mood and were more concerned about creating an actual sentence. But, a lot of the time, you got updates like "Susan is Bahamas!" (meaning "Susan is in the Bahamas!") or "Marcy is new pair of shoes!" (instead of "Marcy has a new pair of shoes!"), etc... This always kind of bothered me. Well, now the "is" is gone. Now, it just says "Maigen _____," and you fill it in. Here's what: have you guys noticed that people are now FILLING IN an unnecessary "is?!" Like, "Kylie is dinner with family tonight!" or "Tyler is vacation tomorrow!" I mean, if you aren't going to make a sentence (I'm okay with that, like just make a statement, like "Maigen Snoop rocks!" Because I can see what you are doing there. You aren't writing a sentence. 'Maigen' is not a noun, it is an identifier here. But, when you add that 'is,' you are implying that 'Maigen' is a noun, and 'is' is a verb, and we're gonna have a lovely little sentence. Anywho, just an observation. If I start hearing this in conversation, I will have to officially FREAK OUT.

5. Maigen is new pair of shoes!!

6. I am pitching my book to an agent from NYC on Saturday. I am terrified! Wish me luck :)

7. WAY stoked about the Mavs advancing in the finals! I am trying to think positive, but am skeptical. I know what they do. Hopefully I am wrong. Hopefully they will not choke like they usually do.

8. How about that Air Force One stunt? (And I'm not talking about the shoes...) Wow. I mean, just, wow.

9. Swine FLU. Dude, please. Talk to me when it's the Bubonic Plague. Or Ebola. They day I walk around wearing a surgical mask and I'M NOT DOING SURGERY, well, it won't be good. That's a FMOTW just waiting to happen.

10. Check out this song! I love it! The whole thing is good, but the first 30 seconds are killer! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaECKn8xwcY

I love you, Anthropologie, but...

Truly, Anthro is my all-time favorite store. If I could marry an inanimate object, it would be Anthropologie. But, in my email ad today, they had this:
I mean, they are advertising jeans. With this picture? These jeans look terrible on her, a size zero model. Look what they are doing to her. They fit hideously. (Click on the pic, you can tell a little better when the pic is bigger how bad they are.) The crotch is all out-of-wack, and is very possibly riding up whilst in the exact same moment sagging. (Teri, she needs one of those butterfly things... Just a warning, clicking the link might make you throw up in your mouth a little...)
But, Anthro, do not be dismayed, I am still loyal and in love and everything nice.

"Lady" Gaga ALREADY grossed me out...

FREAK!!! All other things aside, that lipstick makes her look like a member of the "Cats" cast. WHY, oh, why would you do that to your face, even if it already started out kind of fugly?!

Gripefest.

Okay, I have been walking/doing sprints the past week or so out in my neighborhood. There's this little trail about half a mile down the road, and I walk over there and do my thing. Here is what I hate:
a) Texas drivers don't respect a cross-walk. I am telling you, not only do they not slow down and wait if they see someone waiting to cross, but they would happily mow me down if I were mid-way across and didn't move out of their way quickly enough. In fact, I'd be willing to take it a bit farther and say that they would actually try to hit me if I were in the street, but not in their way. Say I'm in the other lane, but still in the street. I would not put it past them to actually change lanes, hit me, and then high-five their passenger.
b) Other people on walks, etc, walk past, I say "hi," and they either just smile or completely ignore me. I verbalized, dude. It's not hard to say "hi" back. I mean, a smile is okay, I'm not gonna hate you if you smile, but I am going to be mildly annoyed. The total ignore is completely unacceptable, though. That justifies retaliation. Like, the other day, my mom said "hi" to this lady on the trail (they were the only people for a mile), and the lady totally ignores her, and keeps looking forward. Later, we took mom's dogs over to run around in the park-y part. There is that same stupid lady, walking backwards, no less. So, when she walks over (still no greeting) and says "can you put your dogs on a leash so I don't trip over them?" Mom says "you won't trip over them." Jerky lady says, "I'm doing rehab." Mom says, "you won't trip over them, I'll keep them in the grass." Had the lady said "hi" earlier, mom says, she would have absolutely put the on a leash, no problem. Man, she's great.
c) Sprints are hard. I really hate when I have to start one in front of people. Today, I had to start one in front of these kids. It looks so bizarre, like I'm trying to show off, "look at me, I'm not just walking, I can run so fast! Har har har!" But even worse is finishing a sprint and then seeing people. Because here I am, walking at a quite normal pace, panting, probably looking like I'm about to pass out or die or both. I look like such a freak. The people are like, "wow, she's in even worse shape than she looks! Girlfriend's about to have a coronary from strolling."

Oh YEAH...

I am seeing Snoop Dogg in concert on May 5th!! I think he would also appreciate the fact that I got my ticket on National Smoke-Out Day. The man does love his recreational drugs. I am so excited!

I mean it

What's the deal with Dry Idea deoderant?
Don't give me the idea that I'm dry, I'd rather be dry. Thanks.

Man, I feel ya...

You may have already seen this on my facebook, and if you have, sorry for the redundancy. But, it needed to be posted here, too. I saw this in the hallway at the elementary school where I tutor, and thought it was the funniest thing ever! I know that's how I feel when somebody moves my cheese!!! I mean, hilarity.

Michelin man ain't got nothin' on me

Today, at work (in a very shady, windy, freezing canopy where I sat for hours freezing my proverbial bullocks off) I wore:

• White camisole over classic white wrap top
• Nice brown tweed trousers (lined, but now I realize that a silky lining in pants can actually make you colder)
• cute peacock blue Audrey-Hepburn-esque swing jacket
• great orange coral and brass accessories
• brown on brown polka-dot trouser socks
• ballet flats with bow and bronze toe
• funky Betsy Johnson frilly girl sunglasses...
• orange suede gloves with tassels at wrists

And that's exactly where the cute ends...

Add:

• my "Fargo" hat (which is cool in its own right, perhaps not with the rest of the ensemble)
• my brown thick jacket with fur-lined hood (hood UP)
• my really oversized, hideous, keep-it-in-the-trunk-in-case-of-emergency GAP black puffer coat that could easily fit at least one other person, or as many as TWO Olsen twins, along with me, inside
• another sweater-y coat wrapped around my legs as I sat for extra warmth

I looked like a freak who belonged in, well, Fargo. Except, even with all the millions of layers, I was still freezing. I am still cold. I left work hours ago and have taken a hot shower since then. I think the cold is in my bones.

Traffic Rizzle (that's rap for "Report")

I heard the BEST traffic report this morning! I was listening to one of the local hip-hop stations, and this guy gets on, obviously white but trying really, really hard to sound like he is some gangsta, or rapper, or whatever.
He's all, "we got crunk traffic this morning," (okay, first of all, I doubt they're "crunk," check your urban dictionary before you use the term incorrectly, playa)... And "highway 635 is off the chain between Coit and the tollway."
And then he signs off. "This has been C Dub for K104," or something like that. Honey, I am sure you have been told to sound really "tight," or "hard," or "ghetto," but as I am sure "C Dub" stands for something like Christopher Wilkinson, you may want to tone it down a notch... It's a little overkill. Or, alternatively, stay the same, because it's just too darn hilarious!
(I admit that I, too, sometimes fancy myself quite the rapper, and therefore this post is slightly ironic. But, come on, I'm not doing it over the radio! Maybe I should...)

Nothing like a man who smells good enough to eat!

I was at the counter at this gas station today, and there was this display of those little generic colognes.
You know the ones, the label says stuff like "Our Version of Eternity," "Our Version of Chanel No 5," "Our Version of Coolwater."
One of the labels was slightly mis-printed (I am sure this was a really first class operation), and "Our Version of Coolwater" had, with the miniscule shift of type, became "Our Version of Codwater."
Codwater. Yes. Now I know what I've been missing. A man who smells like fish. I should have bought it. Maybe I'll go back.