From the daily diary of a cat:
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . . .
2. I like this:
I stole it from my friend Matt's facebook.
3. There is this ad campaign where Popeye's chicken keeps calling their chicken "bona fide chicken." I can only imagine this is because of the fact that there are bones in the chicken (ick!) and 'bona' sounds like 'bone' for the first half. Because "in good faith chicken" just doesn't make any damn sense. To me, or anyone.
4. Facebook has created a phraseology that really ends up sounding like broken english. Remember how status updates used to say "Maigen is _____" and you would fill in the blank? And you could delete the "is" if you were not in a lazy mood and were more concerned about creating an actual sentence. But, a lot of the time, you got updates like "Susan is Bahamas!" (meaning "Susan is in the Bahamas!") or "Marcy is new pair of shoes!" (instead of "Marcy has a new pair of shoes!"), etc... This always kind of bothered me. Well, now the "is" is gone. Now, it just says "Maigen _____," and you fill it in. Here's what: have you guys noticed that people are now FILLING IN an unnecessary "is?!" Like, "Kylie is dinner with family tonight!" or "Tyler is vacation tomorrow!" I mean, if you aren't going to make a sentence (I'm okay with that, like just make a statement, like "Maigen Snoop rocks!" Because I can see what you are doing there. You aren't writing a sentence. 'Maigen' is not a noun, it is an identifier here. But, when you add that 'is,' you are implying that 'Maigen' is a noun, and 'is' is a verb, and we're gonna have a lovely little sentence. Anywho, just an observation. If I start hearing this in conversation, I will have to officially FREAK OUT.
5. Maigen is new pair of shoes!!
6. I am pitching my book to an agent from NYC on Saturday. I am terrified! Wish me luck :)
7. WAY stoked about the Mavs advancing in the finals! I am trying to think positive, but am skeptical. I know what they do. Hopefully I am wrong. Hopefully they will not choke like they usually do.
8. How about that Air Force One stunt? (And I'm not talking about the shoes...) Wow. I mean, just, wow.
9. Swine FLU. Dude, please. Talk to me when it's the Bubonic Plague. Or Ebola. They day I walk around wearing a surgical mask and I'M NOT DOING SURGERY, well, it won't be good. That's a FMOTW just waiting to happen.
10. Check out this song! I love it! The whole thing is good, but the first 30 seconds are killer! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaECKn8xwcY
4 comments:
I love the shoes! The cat diary is hilarious. :) Good luck (or break a leg?) on pitching your book! And I completely agree about the status updates. It bothers me to no end. Grrrrrrrr.
I love the diary of the cat.
I feel the EXACT same way about facebook status messages! It's all I can do not to comment on people's grammar!
Oh yeah, and good luck on the book situation! I hope it goes great!
I am so glad SO GLAD that someone else recognizes this horrible trend on fb! And also, may I just say that if you (not you specifically) are going to take the time to update your status, why do you put things like, "Rhia is tired." "Rhia is at work." I mean, c'mon people! Just make something up! Nobody is grading you or judging you! Okay, well, they are judging...I'm judging. Say something like, "Rhia is fighting ninjas!" or "Rhia is etching her name in all of her pens so no one can steal them and claim them as their own." I'm just sayin'!
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