FMOTW: "you passed spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lapdance after the final"
(July 19, 2007)
"yeah, LUCKILY..."
Name that quote... can you? Okay, it's after Elle Wood's friend offers her her lucky scrunchie on "Legally Blonde." Great moment. Great movie. Poor fashion choice. Scrunchies suck. Don't wear them after 1995. Like, totally.
FMOTW: Didn't Zack Morris wear those?
(Juy 19, 2007)
Jean shorts. 'Nough said.
FMOTW Flips flop.
(June 14, 2007)
I DON'T LIKE FLIP-FLOPS!!! THEY DO NOT AN OUTFIT MAKE!!! People seem to forget that outfits require shoes, not just a flat piece of rubber strapped to your foot (they won't even protect your foot if you step on a nail or some glass, it will just slice right through to your foot. Not good.) Even a summer outfit deserves some real sandals! Plus, flip-flops make your feet all dirty and gross at the end of the day. They are just the lazy-man's sandal. I frown on them.
FMOTW Umm... are you pregnant?
(June 14, 2007)
Okay, folks. I myself, my all-knowing, fashion-prodigy, unquestionable-taste-having self have, IN THE PAST, fallen victim to this sad trend. But, only once, and whilst catching an unfortunate glance at myself in a reflection in a window, I threw up in my mouth a little.
I am since sworn against the whole gathered teeshirt phenomenon, particularly those tops that have an empire waist and gathers that fall from just below the girls. I have an extremely slender, gorgeous friend who has no fat on her body. She was asked if she was pregnant while wearing one of these real blousy tops, and if THAT girl can't get away with it, then the rest of us really can't, either. Listen, any time someone has to wonder if you've got a bun in the oven, well, do I really have to tell you? It's bad. Like, the worst. Unless you actually do, and then, go ahead and wear these tops, especially if you want to keep 'em guessing well into your third trimester. (Perhaps you are, oh, I don't know, Mormon and single, and don't want to be forced to move to Vermont... You know, in cases like that, you can wear these tops.)
Even worse are the tops with the gathers above the boobs... Umm, this style makes you look like you just gave birth, as it emphasizes and causes even the tiniest chest to appear swollen with mother's milk. Seriously, those things look like bouyes in a lake of cotton.
FMOTW: The Adams Family (snap! snap!)
(May 11, 2007)
Okay, celebrities with little or no fashion knowledge of your own who lean on orange-skinned covered skeletons who are "stylists," listen up:
The whole "black tights look awesome with any spring-time dress, especially those with no black in them and preferably with fun, bright colors" idea is an em-effing lie. Your dress would be dy-na-mite with bare legs and cute platform pump sandals, even flats. But mind the bare leg... the evil death black tight wants to creep on there and make you look really especially morbid and ever so slightly 5-years-old.
Don't do it! It also makes me wonder if you are trying to hide your psoriasis (sp?)...
FMOTW: UGGG!! I can't believe this actually exists!
(May 11, 2007)
Okay, get ready to throw up in your mouth.
My little sister reports that in Lubbock, Texas, girls (lots of them) are walking around in Soffe shorts (like little cheerleader-wind-shorts, for those of you who did not attend high school in the great state of Texas), with tiny tees or tanks, and, wait for it... duhn, duhn, DUHN: UGGS boots.
When will society realize the much-desired end to the UGGS empire? Oh my holy crap, they are making the ugliest sandals known to man now, too!! I mean, who are their designers? I can imaging their meetings, "Umm... Charles, that design is not near ugly enough! You must try harder! You must make them scream 'UGG!!!'"
The UGGS phenomenon will surely drive me to an early grave.
FMOTW What, Did You Sit in Some White Paint?
(April 24, 2007)
I have talked about distressed jeans before. I know, I'm sorry. But here's the thing. When you buy jeans, it is difficult to see your own butt. I know you don't usually look at it before you leave your house in the morning. So much effort, and it usually looks just about the same (aside from the rare and sad but certainly hilarious times that your skirt is tucked into your panties in the back, therefore embarrassing you but making practically every other person who comes in contact with you have a much better day). I feel your pain.
I think that as a rule, one should always flip the jeans over that they are considering buying, and lay them on a clothing rack, or hang them up when possible. Then walk away. I'm talking a good 10 feet, more if space allows. Now, check out the butt. Does it look like you buffed the wax off of your father's mint 1967 white Ford Mustang (supply any shiny car if you don't like Mustangs, which really, I don't, but I don't know what other cars there were back then)? Or perhaps sat in white paint? Is this really the way your jeans would have naturally faded after a couple of years of washing, and apparently doing some pretty hard-core sitting?
Didn't think so. Now, walk away again. But forever.
FMOTW In Lieu of Graduation...
(April 24, 2007)
So, I'm about to graduate!! Yay!! Not only am I excited about moving on with my life, FINALLY, I am also excited to stop being annoyed about this here fashion mistake.
If you are attending a certain school, i.e. University of Utah (insert any school you choose here, really, it works at any of them), don't wear sweatshirts, hats, etc. that say "University of Utah" on them to the campus.
Okay, here's my reasoning. Because some have reacted to my rule with the argument, "isn't it worse to go to one school and champion another on your sweatshirt?" To them, I say, nay.
It is certainly fabulous that you got into the school that you love. Congrats. Seriously. Because some of you, as my peers, certainly surprise me with the fact that you graduated high school. (I mean some of my actual peers, in some of my classes, not you people reading my blog. If you are reading this, you must be smart. And witty. Most likely good-looking as well.)
Why advertise somewhere that you already are? Everyone that sees your shirt probably loves the U of U already. We know you love it, you go there. Let's not state the obvious.
That's like if you were sitting there, say, eating, and every person that walked by you (also eating), you grabbed by the baggy sweatshirt sleeve and said, "hey, guess what?" and they said, "what?" aniticipating some amazing revelation, and you said, "yeah, we're eating! Isn't that great?"
You would get some weird looks and perhaps a restraining order.
FMOTW Alarming Possible Trend
(april 24, 2007)
So... umm... sorry if I've said this before, although really, I do not think for one second that anyone could say this too many times...
Unfortunately, runways have seen something freaky in recent past. (Marni's Fall 2007 show comes to mind, I am sure you can google it. Or, maybe I'll find a pic to post on here.)
Man Leggings. Yeah, you read right. I am talking about skin-tight, spandex-blend cotton man leggings, and some with stirrups. I think I had a few pairs like that in the 4th grade. Not a good idea then, even on a little girl. Definitely not a good idea now, on a fully-grown, anatomically-correct male. Ain't nobody need to see that!
On the same topic, I really think men need not, EVER, leave the house in pajama pants. Not plaid flannel ones, nor cotton jersy ones. None of that. News Flash: most people are way too nice, or afraid to tell ya this, but, dude, we can see your package in those, big time. Workout pants with a nice stiffness (get your mind outta the gutter) are fine, but, I gotta be honest, those mesh basketball shorts also leave little to the imagination... Now, those shorts might be socially acceptable, but if it were up to me, those things would be off limits, too. A certain traumatic experience comes to mind involving someone perhaps called "Bear," or "Manataur." Jana, Michelle, Krissy, you know of what I speak.
FMOTW A New Breed of Superhero!
(April 24, 2007)
Introducing a new superhero, faster than a speeding bullet, who fights for justice and fashion the world over. By day, a red-headed Canuck named Mike Mayo with a flair for denim. By night, a superhero who searches out and saves fashion victims, letting no one go unprotected. His name, Denim Boy!
Wearing the very look from which that he defends the citizens of this great nation: a denim jacket, buttoned up, and jeans, slightly different in color but close enough that spectators cannot distinguish a difference; he educates and, sometimes through necessary force, chastises the wearers of head-to toe denim. His disguise allows him to penetrate their forces undiscovered, until he can bring them the truth. This looks does not propagate the fight for good, he tells them, but only makes stronger the forces of evil. His denim collar serves as a sort of mini cape which he uses to slice through the air with lithe stealth. With strength unmatched by mere mortals, who are un-enhanced with the dual good/evil power of denim, he conquers every foe, unafraid. His copper buttons gleam with justice, and his grommets serve as tiny chinese throwing stars with which he pins the denimed wrists and typically tapered ankles of unsuspecting fashion victims to the wall whilst he conducts his fashion salvation.
Beware, fashion villians. Denim Boy will find you, and his punishment will be swift. He will bestow no mercy.
FMOTW man, your legs look short!
(Feb 8, 2007)
What's the deal with wearing dresses over pants? Can we please think of yet ANOTHER way to make our legs look stumpy?! Because I don't think that 3 feet of torso and 12 inches of leg is quite stumpy enough. As if tunic-length shirts weren't bad enough.
Who do you think you are, girls wearing dresses with jeans/pants/leggings? And if you say Sienna Miller I think I might accidentally throw up on you, so beware.
FMOTW agent orange
(Feb 2, 2007)
So, it's been awhile since the "Coco-Chanel-got-really-tan-on-a-cruise-and-tan-became-the-in-thing" happened. In fact, tan is kind of out right now... It's winter, people are more health-conscious, and fair has once again become recognized as pretty (yay for me!)
Here's the thing, if you are naturally olive-skin-toned, and or just maintain a healthy glow, cool.
If you are orange, stop it.
FMOTW last time I checked, my butt was not a billboard
(Feb 1, 2007)
It might not be tiny, but I would like to avoid 'my butt' being in the same thought as 'a billboard' in anyone's mind or speech...
Several brands have these sweat pants, shorts, etc, with words written boldly across the buttock-region. (Victoria's Secret 'Pink,' Juicy, etc) Let me submit that this is a big fat no-no. First of all, one cannot help but read this and automatically associate the word (usually an adjective) with your butt. So, I know your butt is "pink," and I hope it's not "Juicy," and really anything that is written there can be omitted and everyone will be just fine.
I know high school cheerleaders have a penchant for work-out shorts with things written on the butt... This is still not okay, but is really the only time I can observe this trend and think, "yeah, that goes along with the territory..." Other than that, really people, it may be a creative advertising space, but butt should not equal billboard. If you choose it, I find no qualms about calling you out on it.
In the same realm, tee-shirts with what usually seems to be a descriptive are also usually heinous (and untrue, if you must wear a tee that proclaims you a "hottie," I must suggest that you probably are not...) but "I'm with the band," "G is for Gangsta'" (a personal fave), and "angel" just make me REALLY REALLY want to get a tee-shirt printed up that says "I doubt it." Then, when I pass someone in their "hottie" tee, I can just point at mine: "I doubt it." PS: SERIOUSLY a great late b-day present idea. I WANT THAT SHIRT!!!
Until people start wearing shirts that really describe them, i.e. "anal," "monotone," "belligerant," "horny," I will stick to my guns on this rule.
FMOTW bringin' sexy back
(Jan 19, 2007)
Hey every girl on earth (and some guys, sadly, too):
When you want to look sexy, really, ONE sexy article of clothing is enough. You don't need to wear a low-cut top AND a mini-skirt (and we all know how I feel about mini-skirts in general, or at least we should... yeah... they're bad). Or super-tight pants and a tube-top (which also disregards the laws of nature, seeing as how IT'S WINTER, people!) Just choose one.
It's like the "flashy rule: in the event that one must wear sequins, glitter, fur, animal print, or any form of flash (i.e. "flair") one must, in respect to the rules of fashion and its all-things-holy, limit said 'flash' to one piece per outfit. Complimentary pieces must maintain a certain level of moderation (i.e. "class"), so as to not overwhelm the wearer. The outfit is not what one should notice, but the wearer. Fashion reserves the right to make one appear to be a disco-ball, or some other undesirable gaudy thing should one choose to disregard this cardinal rule."
In the event that the precepts of above"flashy rule" is applied to the parallel, and equally vital, we'll call it... "sexy rule," one will look sexy and NOT slutty. If one chooses to disregard this well-proven, historically-accurate rule, I cannot help you. Seriously, you'll be slut-a-riffic. It sounds like a good thing, but it's not.
FMOTW maybe you can just use those straps to strangle yourself
(Jan 16, 2007)
Okay... so lately I've been seeing one of the greatest offenses to fashion ever to exist re-appear in stores, and it's only a matter of time before people start walking around in it thinking it's okay. I'm here to say that it is not okay.
"It" is overalls, and any variation thereof, including, but not limited to: full-lenght, farmers-shouldn't-even-wear-'em denim overalls;the ever-disturbing short-all;miniskirts with over-all bibs attached;and jeans with denim suspenders, a new twist on an old classic.
Please be alert: over-alls, though historically denim, can be fabricated out of many textures and colors.
Do not let your guard down, you may be led astray by the apparent ease of an over-all. As one-step as your outfit may be with over-alls, and as I do realize some people prefer easy-dressing, do not be misled by this temptation. Sometimes a little more work is required in dressing, although not quite as much as you must do if you end up in a field picking cotton, which is where you deserve to be if you wear overalls. Hopefully your cotton-picking will not facilitate more over-alls being produced.
No comments:
Post a Comment