FMOTW 2006 (old but still true...)

FMOTW 1: Give me all your money!!!
(March 26, 2006)
This is going to be where I vent. Utah offers a potpourri of fashion mistakes just waiting to be made fun of. Here is my least favorite this week:
Gypsy skirts. You know the ones, the long (too long for almost any body type), really full (too full for ANY body type), crinkly ones. The ones that Old Navy was advertising MONTHS ago... and even then they were never real fashion. (Old Navy does not dictate anything to the fashion world... sad to say.)
These skirts are being worn by everyone, and are heinous and offensive to everyone who has to look at them. They make your body appear to be one big blob, and as much as super-fashionable people like Jessica Simpson might like to wear them (she's actually not, even though i'm sure she's a nice person and everything), people in the real world need to learn to not try and dress like their favorite pop-star.
I hate these skirts. They had a short appearance in the late eighties sometime, but even the eighties knew well enough to spit them the hell back out. I had one myself in the 8th grade, before I learned anything about CLOTHES THAT FIT...
Please try to avoid this monstrosity until futher notice, although I must predict that monkeys will fly out of my ass before I condone gypsy skirts.


FMOTW 2: She's a maniac, maniac, on the floor!/How did he fit his "yeah" in there?
(March 30, 2006)
OK, so I could NOT wait until the weekend.
It's like people know I'm writing this stuff down, and are getting dressed up just for me.
I already knew what I was going to write about until I saw THIS.
Spring is in the air... People aren't sure what season to dress for...
So dress for both, right?!
I will warn you, the visual image you are about to recieve may cause you to have to get counseling. Seriously.
A girl was walking around this morning in long black shorts, teva sandals (ugly combo, but nothing to cry about...) But, look again, oh hell, are those LEGWARMERS tucked into the tevas? Yes. They are.
Excuse me, miss, but Mikhail Baryshnikov's evil granola butch twin called and he wants his outfit back.

Also, seams of jeans across Utah are being rent in twian by mens' little bottoms as they try to sit down. The legging-esque jeans have got to go.
These guys have to commit to a whole new image when they invest in these. And it's not pretty.
I'm worried about their sperm count.

FMOTW 3: these boots are made for walkin'
(April 7, 2006)
There are soooo many things bugging me this week, but I will settle on the one that is about to disappear due to the impending season change (yay!!) so that I don't have to wait until NEXT winter, when I am sure the fashion un-conscious will continue to sport this rather baffling look... (They can't let it die after one season, you see, they must hold on to fashion mistakes past because THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.)
Boots over jeans, pants, and I'm very sorry to say, leggings-- (P.S. Debbie Gibson would be proud, but is that really what we are going for?!) WTF?
Although I must concur that winter sucks and snow sucks and getting it in your shoes sucks, if you absolutely MUST disregard the age-old adage "fashion over comfort" can't you please at least be less of an eyesore by wearing the boots under the pants?
All I can say is, we don't live on a tundra here in "the SLC," or anywhere in the U.S. for that matter. It's unnecessary.
Oh, and also, UGGS were cool 2 years ago. They make me go "UGG..."
Cheers until next time. I'm really not bitter. Just easily annoyed.


FMOTW 4: Rabbit
(April 18, 2006)
I can't believe I missed one...
TWO-TONE HAIR.
Ick! It's especially disturbing when the blonde is underneath the black or dark brown, but even switched it's repellant.
If the head is reminiscent of a small woodland creature it may be time to rethink your image... just a thought.


FMOTW 5: CROCS ("the rubber manace")
(April 29, 2006)
SOOOO much to complain about this week. I'm having a really hard time narrowing it down... But, I'll save some for later.
WHAT are these totally rubber, brightly-colored, gardener-esque, hole-infused, elvin clogs I'm seeing peeple wear like they're actually shoes? You know the ones. They're even selling them at Nordstrom shoe dept, much to my dismay.
If you can drain your bow-tie noodles with your footwear, you may be experiencing fashion difficulties. However, this is only a test of the emergency fashion system. If you immediately throw out these "shoes" and/or restrict them to your saturday afternoon gardening parties, you might not be beyond saving. If this becomes an actual emergency, you will hear further instructions as to how to go out and get yourself a pair of leggings and a miniskirt and wear them together, with a cropped tie-in-front cardi and horizontal-striped tee-shirt, or perhaps a camisol over the tee-shirt, because you may as well finish off the look, and commit yourself to blatant disregard of all things holy. And I don't mean "hole-y," like the "shoes."


FMOTW 6: I think that's some kind of 'shroom...
(May 7, 2006)
I don't know that this qualifies as fashion, per se, but maybe hygiene.
I think that those french-manicured toe-nails are just about the grossest thing ever. EV-ER.
First of all, your toe-nails have to be all long to have enough space for the white, and long toenails just don't fly. They can't be clean, and the last time I checked, we didn't want toes to look like fingers...
Secondly, they put so many layers of crap on the nails, that they look all thick. Gross. Thick toe nails = fungus, in my book.
So, let's get back to cute pink, coral, and red painted toenails, and leave the french manicure for the fingers, if you must get them at all... Blues, purples, and greens are also questionable on toes, because they can also look like fungus, or like you smashed your toes under a cinder-block or something, and haven't healed yet.
But let me caution you not to wear sandals without painted toenails. Plain toenails are almost as gross as french-manicured. Unless you're a guy, and I'm still deciding if it should actually be legal to make us look at your feet at all in that case.


FMOTW 7: genetics
(June 8, 2006)
I think that people who wear those black and white checkerboard slip-on vans tennis shoes should only be allowed to mate with each other so as to not spread the recessive allele to the rest of the population.


FMOTW infinity: tube tops and tanks over tees, oh my!
(June 20, 2006)
can i just pleeeaaaase suggest to the general public (including but not limited to mormon girls in utah) that tank tops and tube tops can be worn UNDER jackets/cardis but should not be worn over big/small/white/black/and otherwise tee-shirts?!?
i mean, get a grip, people. i'm not saying you have to look slutty, but please, if you aren't going to wear the clothes like they were intended, just DO NOT BUY THEM! if you have a moral code against bare shoulders, just buy shirts with sleeves, please!
"clueless" came out in like, 1995, and for some reason this look was acceptable then, but let's not resurrect something that should stay buried. just think of camis/tanks/tube tops over tees like you think of zombies. they're bad.


FMOTW 9: triple X... okay, single X
(jULY 10, 2006)
Utah is hard for me. Although I am sure I have seen this elsewhere, it is a real problem here.
When you buy a skirt with a slit in it, or a jacket with a little slit/vent in back, guess what? That little X of thread there, the one keeping that slit together, that's not a cute little detail. You cut that out. That is there to keep the slit nice while the item is on sale. CUT IT OUT MUTHAS!!!
I was appalled in church yesterday when a girl stood up to be recognized by the congregation with that little X on her jacket. Right on her butt. X marks the spot, man. I almost tapped her shoulder to let her know, but really, who else would this have offended but me? Everyone else there was probably like, "look at that cute little X... I love when designers put cute little details on their clothes..."


FMOTW: another one bites the dust... he really had a chance, too:(
(August 5, 2006)
Guys, when you wear a suit, please, PLEASE do not accompany it with black, puffy high-top sketchers. Unless you want a girl to perhaps reconsider any interest she at one time had in you. You don't have to be a fabulous dresser, but just... high tops? With a nice suit? Come on. Use them for basketball. Also, please don't wear athletic ankle-socks with a suit. Or black or any other color "dress ankle-socks," which are a new and especially heinous arrival. We don't need to see your ankles/legs, no matter how sexy they may be. Hugs and kisses!!!


FMOTW: "I wish I was a baller"
(august 23, 2006)
Men, and some women, sad to say, apparently are not aware that:
Sports Jerseys are not clothes. They are to be worn only when you are involved in an actual sport. And by involved, I mean, playing that sport right this minute, or warming the bench. And I don't mean the bleachers, I mean the actual bench.
Do not wear them to dinner, a party, or to college, or anywhere that does not require shorts that match them. And ESPECIALLY, a-hem, especially, do not wear one that says any name other than your own. I don't want to see any, oh, I don't know, "Nowitsky's" or even "Jordan's," as much as that might be a collectible.
And another thing, and this is where women violate all things holy: things you work out in are not clothes. I understand the urge to pick up a salad or something after a workout, but it's gotta be to-go. Sometimes you forget that the people around you are enjoying their time away from the gym, and do not want to look at your lycra-clad tushy. And as good as you may think it looks in that big mirror while you are doing arm curls, it loses its luster in the outside world, where if I'm forced to wear uncomfortable jeans that look fabulous, you really ought to have to be uncomfortable, too. And I'm not even going to mention the hideousness of sweatshirts. Okay.


FMOTW "i wish i was a baller part 2"
(Aug 24, 2006)
Thanks to my ingenious friend Genny, I was alerted to something even more horrible than a regular jersey... Jersey dresses. And I quote:
"...you might actually drop dead on the floor if you were to run into one of these girls: (YES, I have seen these being worn *on purpose* in the flesh. We get it all in good 'ole SC...)
http://www.hoopsvibe.com/jerseys/jerseys-dresses/la-lakers-hardwood-jersey-dress-ar1483.html
(only these were floor-length and had it all--a real number/name combo of a real player that the woman obviously was *not*)"
Thanks, Genny... I think. Almost makes me question my faith in humanity.


FMOTW Debbie Gibson would be proud
(Sept 21, 2006)
Hey, girls, guess what?! Tights and leggings worn either alone as pants or under miniskirts not only make you look like a popsicle, they are also like a giant flip-off to real fashion. Show me a girl who actually looks good in this "style," and I'll show you someone who looks good in bright pink eyeshadow. Yeah, never gonna happen. Guess what? You can't see the cellulite on the back of your thighs, but EVERYONE else can if you insist on wearing leggings. It's just a fact of life. Yeah, I have some life-dimples myself, but I'm not going to subject ya'll to it. Just being polite.
P.S.: speaking of bright pink eyeshadow, even heard of pink eye? You generally want to try and look like you DON'T have it, or consumption.


FWOTW so now that it's below 80 degrees...
(Sept 27, 2006)
You might want to re-think that acid washed denim miniskirt. Just a thought. And, really, I have to say regardless of the temperature, you never should have bought the hideous thing in the first place.
Let's just rule out miniskirts in general, especially if you're over 25.


FMOTW: it's not that you're not sexy, but...
(Oct 2, 2006)
Guys, really, tank tops? Doesn't wearing one make you feel like a woman? And I'm talking about "wife-beaters" as well as basketball-style work-out shirts where the angle of the arm-hole has any degree of trajectory angled more inward toward your neck than just strait up from your armpit. Me no like-y.


FMOTW the black death
(Oct 7, 2006)
Black denim, ICK! let me re-iterrate, not only for emphasis but also because the first time I said it (yes, i said it out loud) it left that much of a bad taste in my mouth: ICK!
It won't stay new looking no matter how hard you try, if in fact while under some hypnotic trance you should buy the disturbingly 80s garment in the first place.
Short but sweet, this FMOTW is one you should adhere to rigidly. There shall be no strays.


FMOTW I won't grow up, ode to Peter Pan
(Oct 10, 2006)
Ummm, I wish I could draw a picture on here. I have complained about boots over jeans before, and unfortunately the advent of skinny jeans has made this look even easier to physically accomplish.
My problem today is boots that are also flats. Especially suede ones. Especially if they lace up the front. Especially ones that are taller in front than in back, with a slope to the top edge. Do you know what I mean? Here's where a picture would come in handy.
When worn over jeans, these boots (which actually exist, much to, I am sure, the general population's dismay) cause one to look like either a) she believes she is a certain fictional character who flies and fights pirates and well, "won't grow up" or b) she is trying out for that character in the off-off-broadway play, or one put on by the local high school. Either way, it's bad.


FMOTW My outfit's got schizophrenia!
(Oct 10, 2006)
Inner monologue of girl at Costco yesterday:
"So, when it put itself on my body this morning, I knew this outfit couldn't make up its mind. It was all, 'I'm a cowgirl, I'm a Utah girl, I'm a cowgirl, I'm a Utah girl!'
I was totally perplexed by its complete disregard for fashion... 'Bronze (read:brown) scrunched cowgirl boots with black capri gaucho pants?!' I thought to my admittedly crazy self. WTF?
Little flashes of knee-skin? 'I mean, am I cold, or hot?' I said to my little black sweater and cream-colored undershirt, which cutely poked up above the collar of the sweater; as I pouffed and teased with such violence as to cause as much breakage and damage as possible to the top, back part of my already bleached and dark-streaked hair, and slicked the rest down as stick-strait and lifeless as possible.
'Where does this oufit say I'm going? To Murray High or to a yuppie-filled rodeo?' I pressed on as I layered on foundation to my super-tan face, added some pearlescent lipgloss (much lighter than my skintone, of course), and lots of mascera.
'What are you trying to do to me?!' I finally shouted at my outfit as I completed my make-up, making sure that every inch of my face was the same color, TAN, so as to not draw attention to the fact that although I'm thin and blonde, I actually don't have any cute features... Doesn't matter, in Utah, they will still say I'm gorgeous."


FMOTW you won't need cement boots...
(Nov 15, 2006)
...if they drop you in the river in clunky-soled, chunky-old platform shoes! Now, a little lesson in fashion 101, wedge shoes (tiny in back, but tall, with a small platform in front) are very different from big chunky platforms. Repeat after me: "wedge: good; chunky shoe: bad." Just say it as many times as you need to to become convinced. Oh, and tell your friends.
Friends don't let friends wear ugly shoes.