Wa-ha-ha!

And on a different, but related-because-of-the-Colonial-reference note:
"How can you hate The Colonial?"
"Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smart-ass!"

We'll all miss Sophia!

What a fabulous lady Estelle Getty was! Sophia was the funniest!!! I always loved "The Golden Girls," in fact, that is my plan for my old age, instead of a retirement home, once my delightful old husband dies (he's imaginary right now, of course). I will totally live in a house with my three funniest friends, and we will have crazy adventures and late-night pie-eating, and all laugh at Blanche and her young boyfriends... Or, will I be Blanche?

This is what is wrong with me...

1) I am, ahem, 25 years old and have never been anywhere spectacular. I need to move to the Italian Riviera to make up for this.

2) I am soooooo single. I cannot lower my standards. And even when I think I can, I am wrong. I have dated too many people with too many defects that I know what I can't live with, well, FOREVER. And so, while all my friends are happily posting blogs about their 1-year, 2-year, 5-year anniversaries, I am looking around at the ever-shrinking dating pool with disgust, at the same time thinking, "well, it must actually be me, not them..." Which makes it difficult to pull my reverse-George-Costanza "it's not me, it's you."

3) I don't believe in global warming. And so, I will continue to be unpopular in my political beliefs. Also, I would just like to say now that if the dems get into the oval office, we will become a socialist country, and I will move to, oh, I don't know, Panama. Also, this way I can say, 'I told you so' later.

4) I am unsuccessful. Why can't I have a job in television production, aside from the fact that there aren't many, if any, of those available?

5) I am sunburned. This is a brand-new development.

6) I am seemingly unable to breech the 15-pounds-lost mark. Okay, perhaps because I have become lazy in the summer heat. Excuses, excuses. This won't be a problem for long. I'm considering not eating anymore.

7) I got my hair cut and I feel that it may be, how do you say, less than glamorous.

8) I get really opposed to things just because they are really popular. Comic book hero movies, Stephanie Meyer vampire books, Celine Dion. It's like if the general public likes it, I won't. And I really don't. I know I won't like a movie that everyone is freaking out about, for example, and I see it, and I don't like it. And not just because I don't want to. I guess I just don't like the general public too much, either. But I hope they get all fanatic and creepy about my books someday, so I guess I should be less resistant to their obsessions.

9) I can't figure out how to be comfortable in high heels. Which is a bloody shame, because I wear them to a fault.

10) I am not sporty. And may very well never be.

11) I miss, love, remember, and care for people way to easily and too much. Way more than they miss, love, remember, and care for me (I don't mean this meanly, but it's just true a lot of the time).

12) I cried at work the other day. I do not cry. Especially in public. Time to get a new job. It's like that SATC where Charlotte is talking about how she cried at work once in five years, and then it was all, "don't make Charlotte cry!" all the time. Or like when Miranda says, "I got lit on fire, I showed emotion in public, I'm done" or something like that...

13) I am often attracted to gay men. There, I said it.

This is what is wrong with America...

This makes me so mad. And we wonder why children are so misbehaved. "Here, eat this apple," the mom says, "no," the kid says, very nonchalant, as if that is what she usually says. What a brat. And what a perfect snapshot of the average modern American family, where the kids are large and in charge.
Also, I find it totally disturbing that we have to trick them into eating fruit by shaping it like the least healthy thing out there, french fries.

Okay, Teri, here we go!

I haven't done this before, but here goes:

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory you have of me or of us together (If I have been horrible, please disregard this part of the exercise). It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, anything you remember!
*** if at all possible it would be great to leave out the truly embarrassing memories. I know that's hard, if not impossible, cause there are a lot cause I'm a bit of a freak like that but give it your best shot :) ***

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people have a memory about you. It's actually pretty fun to see the responses.

Looks like I scooped AOL...

I did not post that pregnancy thing a day too soon... Here, AOL says we are in a mini baby boom!
"Oh Baby...!"

Pregnancy Chic

It's the newest rage! Pregnancy. I work in a very public place, and I see many, many people a day. And I can tell you, we are about to have a baby boom. Everyone is pregnant...

As "Pregnancy Chic" sweeps the nation (hello, Brangelina, Jessica Alba, et al just delivered, and how many other celebs are preggy? Not to mention normal girls, think about your girlfriends in their 20s/30s. Yeah, they're mostly pregnant!), hollywood seems not too far behind (or, did they create the trend?)

With Juno; Baby Mama; "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (a new show on ABCFamily about a pregnant teen who happens to have Molly Ringwald as a mom); and Charlotte York's miracle pregnancy on the SATC movie; "pregnant" is the new "thin." Look around you. Or, better yet, look down. Is that bump just a "food baby?"

Help me choose a haircut!

Okay, so I have definitely worn my hair up for the past three months. It's disturbing (almost as disturbing as the number of pics I have of myself)! So, please help my pick my next look. I've been growing it out, and my ex-blunt-cut bangs are HIDEOUS! But, otherwise, this is what it basically looks like now. (I was going to grow it out and do this Heidi Klum look,
[Option "Heidi Klum 1"] but I am not sure I can pull off a blunt bang.)

Option "Me 1":
keep growing it out, just get a trim and try to work bangs out or go side-swept:

or like this, Option "Kirsten Dunst":

Here's my last haircut, all four of these,
option "Me 2":

(yeah, sorry, no makeup, in an XXL men's tee shirt I sleep in sometimes.)

Here's an oldie but goodie, although it may be too much like the "Utah bell."

Option "Me 3:"

Long, not too stylish, but what I will look like if I grow it out.

Option "Me 4:"

Here's my Very Brady Hair, from like '06.

Option "Me 5:"

This is after "Me 5," platinum and short and chunky

Option "Me 6:"

Me at Christmas this year, people seemed to like this, but I wasn't too fond...

Option "Me 7":

Reminds me a little of Option "Anne Hathaway" (which will require bang grow-out, and which I really like):

I just don't know if long hair does anything for me,

Option "Me 8"

But I like this mid-length, and the curls (Option "Heidi Klum 2"):

And its shorter version, Option "Charlize Theron:"

And even slightly shorter, Option "I don't know who:"

And here's something totally different, too boyish? Option "Sienna Miller or someone like her:"

I don't know what to do!!! I hate decisions... Grow out? Trim? Chop? Just grow out bangs? AAARGHH! Suggestions, advice, other options, choices from these options, all are greatly appreciated!

(I *think* my faves are "Anne Hathaway," "Heidi Klum 2," "I don't know who," "Kirsten Dunst," "Me 2," "Me 5," and "Heidi Klum 1." Yeah, uh, I know, too many choices.)

Oops! I forgot the fabulous Option "Maggie Gyllenhall:"

Heck yeah!*

Nothing soothes the soul like that old familiar tune, "Dah na na na, dah na na na, fistbump, fistbump..." Yes, 90210 is coming back! Not so sure this cast will be quite the same as good ol' Brandon and Brenda, et al, but heck, 90210?! My only question is, who will play the Luke Perry character this time around? Because them be some BIG boots to fill!
*disclaimer: I actually am NOT excited. 90210 definitely had its fabulous time and place. And it ain't here and now. I miss you, Dylan!

Wow, you put soft porn on your blog and you get like 3x as many hits

Seriously, I had more than three times as many people look at my blog today than yesterday. Oh, and here's a "shout out" to my international readers (not that I don't appreciate my US folk)! But, I have noticed a few readers in Italy, England, Spain, Singapore, Israel, and Australia, to name a few I remember. Thanks you fabulous, exotic scholars! I love seeing that "multiple visits spread out over more than one day" on my stat-counter, even in Clovis, New Mexico!

WARNING: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE WILL INJURE YOUR EYES AND YOUR BRAINS

My friend was talking about some racy engagement photos on her blog, and let me say, THESE ARE REAL.

"They were posted on the photographer's website as part of the proofs for their engagement photos. All anyone has to do is enter their email address on the site and they can look at them."

Reminds me of that song: I put my hand up on your hip, when I dip, you dip, we get all hot and heavy on camera and send the photos to our grandmoms?
Gross. That's all I can say. At first, I literally thought they were joking around. But no. I mean, gross. And yeah, she is licking his face.
Inappropriate! Hmm, talk about having no respect for your future spouse. Not to mention your grandmoms.

You might not know...

But here's something embarrassing about me: I can't listen to Debbie Gibson's "Lost in Your Eyes" without crying. It's true, it's on a c.d. that is in my car right now, and every time it comes on, I have to either change it, or bear down for a good cry. I'm not lying.

I copied D'Arcy, who copied someone else...

"I made a meme--this is how the meme works:
Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose an image.
Copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker over at FD's image maker.
The questions:"
What is your first name? (Maigen)
What is your favorite food? (sushi)
What high school did you attend? (JJ Pearce)
What is your favorite color? (teal)
Who is your celebrity crush? (Mark Ruffalo)
Favorite drink? (Coca-Cola Classic)
Dream vacation? (The Italian Riviera)
Favorite dessert? (Gelato)
What do you want to be when you grow up? (Novelist)
What do you love most in life? (Laughter)
One word to describe you. (Metamorphoses)
Your Flickr name (nothing came up for "maigenificent," so I did "magnificent.")

Pretty cool. I can always count on D'Arcy for creative, fun ideas to steal!!


1. _MG_4702, 2. PINK SUSHI WINTER05 LAUNCH, 3. Mustangs, 4. Esther, red hallway, Seattle Library, 5. Mark Ruffalo, 6. The Store, 7. Elizabeth Taylor caught by Paparazzi, 8. gluttony, 9. GUY N SMITH - Horror Novelist, 10. incurable laughter, 11. sakura against the blue sky, 12. as a fairy

Groovin'

In a restaurant, jazz (read: elevator) music played. It sounded like the theme from "Night Court." The conversation went:

Maigen: What music is this?

Georgia: It's love-makin' music.

Maigen: Only if you're "makin' love" on "The Cosby Show."

And then we seat-danced (you must imagine the "Night Court" theme music for this to be funny):

Honey, what's this? What's going on here?

Ummm...

Wha...?

First of all, this boy makes Hansen look butch.

Second of all, is this a boy? Or a girl with thick dark brows photoshopped in?

I don't like to make fun of someone's actual looks, but this is obviously someone who is supposed to be sexy. And B) could they have made him look any more girly, with that long hair, tank top, pose, and micro-cheerleader shorts? I mean, come on...

Perfect man-hair ("...and suit")

When I think about it (like, when a guy asks me what they should do to their hair... what?! You mean there is more than one thing? It all looks the same to me), I don't really care for most man-hairstyles.
Tonight, watching "Flipping Out," once again, in my life, all roads lead to Jeff Lewis. If you want to know what I think is the perfect man-hairstyle, this is it:
Kind of Super-may-y, very seeexxxy (especially on this gay man, but definitely on any man). Lookit:[I almost emailed this to you, D Scott, because I think you should do your hair like this. You will thank me. I've got your back. Lucky you! I need my bff to look stylish, okay? Otherwise we can't roll together.]

Steel Magnolias

How awesome is "Steel Magnolias?"

Here are a couple of very important life lessons that are eloquently expressed in the film:

"Time marches on... and eventually you realize, it's marching across your face."

"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize."

The movie also may be the beginning of my love of Dolly Parton (or maybe it was listening to her music as a child)... I am sure I have said this before, but she said something like "it can be very expensive to look this cheap." She is fabulous!

I actually can't help it...

You see, my preoccupation with shoes began at a very early age. Whether by nature or nurture, I have always loved shoes...

In thinking about this subject lately (perhaps trying to assuage some of my guilt in this rather addictive hobby), immediately a pair of gold snakeskin Keds and a pair of royal-blue leather high-tops come to mind. Both from my rather Madonna-influenced late childhood (like, 9, 10, or 11 years-old) and both foreshadowing my penchant to lean away from the standard black and brown offerings toward more colorful options.

Childhood memory #1

One of my first rather strongly shoe-influenced memories arises from when I was probably 3 or 4. I was a flower girl in a wedding, and wearing a lovely little pink chiffon number with billowy sleeves and a burgundy velvet sash (perhaps a little preoccupied with dresses, too, eh?) when I realized at the reception that I had lost my mother! Well, being less than 3-feet-tall, I knew I was never going to see her face in the crush of party-goers.

So, what did my deliberate little mind come up with? I ruined that little dress crawling around on hands and knees looking for my mom's shoes. I knew I would know those shoes!

My mom still brings up how I ruined that dress whenever I mention this story to defend my shoe fixation.

If I were more computer savvy, I would scan a pic of my in that dress and put it up here. I was so cute. Maybe some day I will add it.

Childhood memory #2

I have always loved movies. I loved "Grease" as a little girl, and I still maintain that John Travolta should probably have quit after that one, while he was still ahead.

I think the scene at the end, where Sandy has totally changed who she is and become a skank just to get the man is one of the best. (Now that I understand it, I'm not so in love with the idea, but I still love that scene because of tradition.)

When I was a kid, I was ever-so-slightly less interested in everything else in that scene, and focused pretty seriously on, yep, you guessed it, Sandy's shoes:

Back then, I thought these were some pretty hot mamas. (Now, I know they are hideous, and absolutely do not match that black spandex outfit!)

Of course, Dorothy's ruby slippers did not escape my attention either. Both of these pairs of red shoes come to the forefront of my memories about their movies. <--See, even in that sentence I consider the movies as belonging to the shoes, and not the other way around. I didn't even do that on purpose.

And on "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," Ferris' sister, Jeannie, kicks Mr. Rooney in the face with white Keds. You can pretty much ask me what shoes someone is wearing in any childhood movie and I can tell you. Don't even get me started about "Dirty Dancing."

Childhood memory #3

Speaking of white keds, I used to sleep in them during thunderstorms. I thought they would protect me from being electrocuted if struck by lightning (yes, through my ceiling, and the rubber soles would not allow the lightning to ground). Now, this really speaks more to my special brand of paranoia than anything else, but the fact is, I thought shoes would protect me from certain death. Oh, and by the way, don't sleep in shoes. It's not comfortable. At all.

Childhood memory #4

I had this best friend, and next-door neighbor, Megan (Mee-gen) whose dad was a radio d.j. on Kiss FM. I remember that he was a d.j., his name, and guess what else? His shoes. I don't remember what he looked like, even though I was over there all the time. I do remember he had these real 80s looking off-white boat shoes. Like this:

Not exact, of course, but similar. His were mostly like this pair that is dancing during the opening credits of "Footloose," and every time I watched (which was a lot) it, I would be like, "there's Megan's dad." To this day, I think, "there's Rod Pryan."

So, there it is people. My self-analyzed obsession. How'd I do? Did I justify it to ya? I'm feeling better. Are you?

American Apparel, you have really outdone yourself this time!

I wish this were bigger. Can you see the suspenders? On a swimsuit? Or the layered bandeau and slingshot? Huh?

(If you click on it, it gets a little bigger. Only do it if you are not easily made queasy.)

Hmmmm....

I am sorry, but this freaks me out. It makes my skin crawl. I don't know what it is... Is it too "Being John Malkovich" for me? I don't know. I think puppets just freak me the heck out. Grotesque. And another thing I find really strange is that the adults appear to be real people. Which is kind of "Charlie Brown," or something. I just can't handle it. I have also seen "Puppet Master," unfortunately, and perhaps that is part of it.

Gimme more!

I think that whistling in songs is a very under-used thing. I mean, I kind of love it. Here are a few great examples (I especially recommend the first three of the five. I mean, just go ahead and get the whole Peter, Bjorn and John album, but especially these two songs):

John Lennon: Jealous Guy
Maria McKee, Pulp Fiction Soundtrack: If Love is a Red Dress
Peter, Bjorn and John: Young Folks, Amsterdam, etc
Juelz Santana: There it Go (The Whistle Song)
Bobby McFerrin: Don't Worry, Be Happy

Any other great ones I am leaving out? I am sure there are...

Strenuous

How lazy must we be, I ask you, if, as a society, we can no longer be bothered to rub our hands together to create a lather?

My dream job

So, "Flipping Out" is in a new season... And seeing it reminded me of my ultimate career aspiration. To replace Jeff Lewis' assistant, Jenni (isn't that her name, the girl who looks like Elaine Benice?) Yes, that is my goal.

Her job as assistant to gay, gorgeous, neurotic, ultra-high-maintanance house-flipper is perfect. She: rides around in a car with him, does some assistant-type stuff, dances and raps when he needs entertainment and tells jokes. And all ON T.V.
Hello! That would be my perfect job! Jeff Lewis: please hire me! Although David and Pauly have told me they will give me a job doing the same things when they start doing real-estate, I'm afraid I just can't wait. Real jobs just aren't for me.

I need to get on staff at least by next season.

So, nothing personal, Jenni, but watch your back. I'm taking you out. (Not in a mafia, cement-boots kind of way, but more like: I might out-joke or out-rap you. I am a really, surprisingly good rapper.)