She looks like a buttercream.

Why?!

Her shoes and bag* are just way too matchy-matchy!

*I realize this is the least of her problems... I was just trying to be ironic.

I saw the worst movie...

Even the Gorgeous Mr. Statham couldn't save this downer of an "action" flick. Boo. Two thumbs down. He never even fought topless. What a waste. (But, there were plenty of topless women... Ick.)
I had heard it was so great from more than one person. But, as far as a Jason Statham flick goes (and let's be honest-- they are almost all the same), this is the worst one yet. I'd definitely recommend a "Transporter," or "The Italian Job" over this any day. Heck, I'd recommend almost any action flick over this one. You'd be wise to catch "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," or "You Kill Me," actually. Those'll be my recommendations. There's your Phoenix out of the ashes of "The Bank Job."

Well, I did it.

Oh... you! No, not IT... Get your mind out of the gutter...
What I did was (and bear in mind that I only a week ago heard a horror story about somebody doing this exact thing, and was laughing, and laughing, and laughing [which is totally why it happened to me]) use the restroom and come out with skirt tucked in my tights. In front.
I walked all the way through this room before anyone told me. At a funeral. The only two things that made the embarrassing moment less hideous were:
a) I was wearing a slip (which I always get made fun of for, but, hoorah for slips! I knew I wore them for a reason!), even if it was extremely short. At least no one saw that ugly top part of my tights.
b) Honestly, and I really don't mean to make light of the situation, it's what Zane (the fabulous friend whose funeral I was at) would have wanted. This was exactly the type thing he would have just loved! And he would have laughed, and laughed, and laughed. I felt like he was smiling down on me.

All Seinfeld, all the time...

I think I would be much happier if there was a channel that just played "Seinfeld" re-runs on a big, long, loop. I could avoid so much dish-network-guide surfing, wishful thinking, crappy tv skimming if this were the case. I can do easily without all the other stories on the television set, but, a girl needs her Jerry.

Vacation's over :(

This is when I pout. But, I had a very fun time off, including, but not limited to:

• sleeping in several times. It was glorious!
• birthday celebrations lasting until yesterday. Thanks to my fabulous friends for taking me out, and for all the birthday wishes!
• NOT WORKING
• beginning the packing process for my impending move (good, because it makes me feel like a self-starter. Bad, because it means I have to actually move the crap later).
• brushing up on my b-ball skills, and watching LL in action (muy fabuloso) :)
• re-watching "In Bruges," and discovering "Boondock Saints" *sigh*
• finally getting a multitude of drugs to try to battle my allergies and the associated sinus headaches. Drug me up, baby. And, man, are they working...
• wasting time making databases for pro/cons lists, memoirs, et al. Gosh, I really am a freaking nerd.
• fun trip to Houston to discover that, hey, I don't hate it! Who knew?
• the randomness of not gaining any weight, and in fact being back to my pre-holiday weight. And, the promise that upon moving in with mom & Bob, my a** will invariably, and rather quickly, shrink. Woot!
• getting a hot date to my sister's wedding. I would prefer the nosy guests be like, "wow, Maigen's got a really cute and fabulous date," instead of, "oh, poor Maigen. Her younger sister is getting married. Old maid." Umm, yeah, that's not happening. (PS: used the same tactic at Meredith's wedding, and it was rather successful. I feel that only my severe case of food poisoning held me back from being the belle of that ball.)
• hung out with Walter and Jojo a lot. Those puppies rock!
• unfortunately saw "Step-Brothers." What a waste of time, not to mention the little part of my soul that died while watching it. Just the worst. Top 5 worst movies ever contender.
• saw "The Reader," which was interesting. Also, a bit like soft porn at times. That could be good or bad depending on your taste for soft porn. I was pretty uncomfortable, but other than the nudity, it was a very good story. And, of course, the acting was impeccable. Not sure I can recommend it, though. It was pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty heavy on the sex.

Well, tomorrow is work. Oh, man. It's all good, though. I like my job, remember? (I'll just say it over and over to try to remind myself... or to make myself believe it...) No, really. It could be LOTS worse. I actually do like it. And, I only have to work four days this week. I can live through four days of anything. Plus, in the middle will be my writer's group and "gangster movie night" with LL. Yeah, good times.

Four. Four days until my day off. And counting... (I sound like The Count from Sesame Street again...)

Moving sucks... Part Deux

As happy as I may be for my sister and her fiance', may I just say, as I begin to pack my stuff yet again, MOVING SUCKS!!
I really love my apartment. I am pretty sad to leave it. I am pretty sad to move in with mom & Bob, even just temporarily (even though I love them and the puppies that live there). I really would love to get a fabulous one-bedroom, but waiting a bit will be seriously good for my finances. Be that as it may, the idea of moving again, no matter where I am moving to (I only just moved last June) makes me want to cry. My neck is hurting just thinking about it.

Dead girl walking...

Today was my last day in the singles' ward. I was actually okay with it, and went around making jokes to my friends about it like, "well, I'm gettin' the axe," or, "they're calling me in to fire me," about my meeting with the second counselor after church. Turns out, it was just a little "yearly" catch-up meeting, in which I had to tell them that I was flunking out. (You know, was past the age limit of a "YSA [young single adult]" and now fall into the category of "OSA [old single adult].)

Seriously, I actually find the whole thing quite comical, as is my standard reaction to most things in my life. You should see me do my impression of the ward dusting its hands of me and saying "well, we have done all we can for you and you are on your own! Good luck with the 60-year-olds!" It's hysterical. (Of course, the bishop was actually not like that at all, and in fact was very sweet and encouraging. I just like to hyperbolize.)

However, everyone else seemed quite distressed about it. Like, they were seeing me on my last day on earth, or were attending my funeral. I half expected a "eugoogely" ("Zoolander") from a few folks.

Huh. I guess I was not taking it as seriously as I should have... I mean, my main concern is not seeing my friends at church and missing them. Is that wrong? Does anybody else hear a deathmarch? ;)

Eulogize if you must...

Me, as an old lady

I was driving around yesterday, speakers blaring, rapping along with some of the greats. I started thinking to myself about my age. I was older now. Was listening to/loving rap as much as I do still appropriate? At what age will I finally have to give it up? And just how much will I miss Snoop, Busta, Eminem, Outkast, Fabolous, DMX, 50, et al?!

That's when I knew: never. I will never quit liking rap. I may not like every jam. I may not like every new rapper that shows up on the block, rockin my hood. But, I will probably always love rap...

Which brought to mind an image of me, eighty years old, cruisin' in my Caddy, blarin' Busta and keeping up with all his rhymes. I realize I will look hilarious. However, I don't think I will be the only one. Think about it. The old people now listen to the music they loved when they were young. So, when our generation is old, we will certainly still listen to the music that was popular and fun in our youth.

This will be me:

And I'm pretty pumped about it.

Check out this hilarious e-card I got:

Holla, Michelle!

Happy Birthday to me!!

So, to everyone who has left comments wishing me a happy birthday, THANK YOU!!! Gosh, between blogs & facebook & just old-fashioned texting and calls, I have had a record number of birthday wishes! I feel SO loved today! Y'all rock!
I didn't really plan anything this year. Usually, I want to get all my friends together in a celebration of, well, ME! But, frankly, I haven't been very excited about this particular birthday. But, then, whilst watching "Boondock Saints" in the middle of the night last night on my Netflix instant play thingy, I decided, what the heck?! I want to have fun, even if I am older than dirt.
("Boondock Saints," by the way, is absolutely incredible. It has joined the ranks of my 'favorite movies ever.' If you can handle mega-violence and pretty bad language, it really is awesome. Funny, sad, mobster-related... What more can a girl want? "In Bruges" is very reminiscent of it, so if you love "In Bruges," I highly recommend "Boondock.")
My b-day has been good so far. Aside from waking up obscenely early for not having slept, I have had a great day! David took me to breakfast (where I got regular coke. Take that, New Year's Resolution)! Then we went to his future condo so I could see what I have to work with (I get to decorate it)!
Then, in hopes of getting a birthday present for myself, I went to the Harold's outlet. Which is going out of business. Which means 80-90% off, and then an additional 40% off if you get a few items. So, uh, yeah. You can imagine the mayhem. Amazing clothes averaging 10 bucks a pop. I mean, it was incredible. I got a couple of things, but wished I could have gone really crazy. If you live near a Harold's, you must go. If you live near a Harold's outlet, you really must go! It would be a darn shame to miss it.
So, I was planning on getting a massage, but I think maybe the retail therapy helped. Although my back is still whack. Maybe my amateur chiropractor step-dad, Bob, can crack my back for me later.
Tonight, dinner with the fam! It's been a great day:)
Plus, my one tiny birthday wish came true already. Go, me! My thirties are going to kick my twenties' a**.

Houston mini-break

I went to Houston this last weekend. So fun! On the way there, I had the ultimate fake out:

Okay, so I am driving in Dallas, and ahead of me, in the fast lane, and not going very fast, might I add, is a huge caravan of buses, a Penske truck, and police escort. Immediately, I realize, it's the Bushes, moving their stuff to town! Woo-hoo! Though still slightly perturbed that the caravan chose the fast lane, I was stoked. Also, I was more than annoyed at all the other cars, who just couldn't seem to work up the nerve to pass the caravan so I could get a good picture, not to mention, pass it myself. I wanted to yell, "hey, these cops are busy! They aren't about to stop what they are doing to pull you over, you idiots!"

Then, I realize, we are totally on the wrong highway to be going to their new place. And, why would George W ever rent a Penske truck? And, where's Limo One?! And, look at all these other cars, going to, oh, dang it, the Cotton Bowl. That was just a lame football team.

Houston was way fun. Had sushi, seafood, went to an art museum, the Angelika theater, the Galleria, Galveston (which is like a creepy ghost town), church, tex-mex, and of course, DSW (even though we have it here, too, DSW is a Leslie/Maigen tradition).

It was fun to see my friend Marilyn's new house. I also got to hang out with Leslie and Jason and Bridgette. Here are Leslie, me, Bridgette, and Jason at Cafe Adobe for some delightful fajitas! Ole'!

You have NO BUSINESS...

First of all, I was alerted to this new rubber menace by an ad on my very own blog! So, obviously, I do not always endorse every product that is mentioned there. The ad says something like, "Heels by Crocs!" which I knew was something I had to check out immediately.
Well, the link doesn't work, so I had to put forth actual effort and google "high heels by crocs." And the rest is history...
But here's what. How can they even call these "high heels?" Really, they can't. It's more of a clog, or a platform, even. But "high heels?" That's really stretching it. Because, mark my words, you will not see women who wear actual high heels caught dead in these "high heels by Crocs." The only way these shoes could be uglier is if they were regular Crocs.
Sorry, Crocs. You're a crock.

New Year's Resolutions

Well, here are a few. Some are serious. Some... not so much.

1. Shrink. More. I've been stuck at the 15-pounds-lost point. Do you think the power of positive thinking will do it? Probably not. Hello, spinach!
2. Take belly-dancing lessons. (If I've got it, may as well flaunt it!)
3. Take up bike-riding. As an extension to this goal, do not get hit by a car while riding.
4. Fix the economy so that I can afford to take the risk of getting into tv production.
5. Become all-pro at kite-boarding this summer. As an extension to this goal, do not break my neck... or any bones, really.
6. Be less of a spaz when dealing with men I like. It'll be hard, but, I gotta stop acting a fool. I always blow it. Hopefully, not this time.
7. Get an agent and publish the rubbish that is "The Anticool."
8. Take down my Christmas decor sometime before next Christmas.
9. Maintain a believable 25-year-old look, all the while aging undetected.
10. Travel. Perhaps meeting and wooing a gorgeous Spaniard or Italian who speaks very little english in the process.
11. Get better at coming up with New Year's Resolutions.

Thank goodness for Courtney Love...

She makes the rest of us look so good...
And I love that she seems to be shrugging off looks of horror or possibly exclamations of "What the?!"
The woman needs help. Courtney, for a reasonable fee, I can help you look less like a homeless version of the Madonna of "Material Girl." Believe me, this look is doing nothing for your figure. Or for your plight to remain outside the confines of a mental institution.

This poor guy...

Tried to get out of the ski-lift and got stuck, dangling upside-down and half-naked, for between 7 and 15 minutes, until he was rescued by ski-resort workers.
It's so sad, and yet, so delightful...

The Killers - Human

Ummm... Hmmm...
I guess I am behind the times, I hardly ever listen to the radio. I heard this for the first time this weekend.
The lyrics: "are we human, or are we dancer? My sign is vital, my hands are cold... and I'm on my knees, looking for the answer. Are we human, or are we dancer?"
Can somebody please tell me why stuff this stupid is necessary in life? Are we human, or are we DANCER? DANCER? Really? And, yeah, I know it is based on some dumb quote.
But, I am nonetheless disappointed in you that nobody called me the FIRST time they heard this. I would hope that I would be the first person that would pop into your head as needing to know about this type of insanity. Just FYI: I MUST be notified of stuff like this. It feeds my soul. The laughter that follows is like manna to my spirit. Please, I beg of you, next time, CALL ME!!! And we will laugh together. And come up with other versions, like "are we human, or are we peacock?" or "are we human, or are we pears?" or "are we human, or are we boredom?"

New Years, New schmears (Now I'm craving a bagel)

What's the big deal with New Years', anyway?
Last night, I was at a totally fun party, and everyone was freaking out and screaming as we counted down. The whole celebration was lost on me, really. (Perhaps because there was not a tall-dark-and-handsome available at midnight to ring the thing in right, if you know what I mean).
Anywho, all the screaming got me thinking. What, exactly, were we (and by 'we,' I mean they, the girls in mini-dresses that may or may not have covered their lady-bits) screaming about?
It's a lot like high school graduation. So anticlimactic. Big deal. We got another year. It's not like, 'oh, good... we really thought the world might explode this time! Phew, we got another year! We have been allotted more time! Now, I can find that cure for cancer I've been working on, and figure out how to rid the world of Nicolas Cage's acting!'
I mean, fine. I like a New Year's Resolution as much as the next guy, and maybe you will see some of mine on here soon. But, the screaming is really over-the-top. Perhaps next year (if the world doesn't explode at midnight), y'all can spare my eardrums?
Or, maybe we can all wear graduation hats and move the tassell over, and high-five each other, while breathlessly exclaiming, 'I can't believe we made it!'

Jared, born in a manger

Jared (my bro-in law): Mere gave me "Flight of the Concords for my birthday, wanna listen to it?"
Mere: Babe, that was for Christmas, not your birthday.
Jared: Oh, yeah.
Mere: I know you're into yourself, babe, but Christmas is not your birthday. It's not like, 'Oh, Christmas! The day Jared was born to save the world!'