Internet broken. Bad internet.

INTERNET WOES

Okay, so I have not been blogging at my normal rate since we moved because our internet is constantly out. I hate it! We have had technicians come out three, count 'em, three times since like, June 3rd. We have had several other days with no internet because of storms, or unidentifiable outages. Other times, I have just plugged and unplugged things myself to try to get a connection (twice this has worked, not so much other times... 'maybe part of the problem,' you may be saying to yourself. Nay, I submit that it is entirely that fault of the internet gods, and has not been affected by my efforts.) We have called technical support probably 5 times. We have moved the router/modem from room to room 4 times. If there's an internet hell, I'm in it.

So, once again, today I was on hold with technical support, and I hear this message: "all technicians are still busy with other clients, for faster service, log on to our webpage, ____."

What is that? Some sort of sadistic joke? I can just imagine the guy whose voice they recorded for that message, trying really hard to get all the words out, and then bursting out with loud, guffawing laughter (not unlike Julia Roberts) the second they stop recording. "I peed my pants!" he shouts through uncontrollable inhalations at his peers, some of whom are actually on the floor, rolling with laughter themselves. Because, here's what: I wouldn't be on hold for technical support for my internet if I bloody had internet! Very funny, voice guy, very, very freaking funny.

So, over the last few days, I have had a few ideas for blogs, some of which I will recap here (meaning you may be in for a marathon blog today, sorry), and some of which (the funniest, I am sure), have been lost in the deep and complex chasms of my brain.

Here we go.

HOW TO: BABY

I had this dream that I wrote a blog (I know, right?!) called "How to: Baby," in which I enumerated how to take care of babies (based on my heaping 5 months experience nannying a baby who, by all accounts, is one of the cutest babies ever, behold:)

And yes, I am as partial to this baby as I am to Walter (they are the cutest baby and puppy ever, see?): Anywho, I digress... Okay, so the blog was all about babies, and what to do to make them happy, but still keep them from being these huge spoiled jerks later in life... But, here's the clincher: the last sentence was, "...and, if that doesn't work, just hypnotize them with a 'Baby Einstein' video." No joke. That was what my imaginary baby advice was. (Not that I condone putting your kids in front of the t.v. all the time in real life, but in my dream blog, it was just hilarious!)

DEDICATION

So, I was also thinking about this movie "Dedication," with Billy Crudup (horrible name) and Mandy Moore, and how much I just loved it. It is rated R, because there are a few really inappropriate (however funny) parts, but, overall, it was just awesome. The main character is soooo funny, and possible bi-polar (or extremely OCD, or who knows what?) One of my favorite parts is when he is trying to describe himself to Mandy Moore's character, and throws in "I have a towel that I can't throw away because it might have feelings..." That moment kind of sums up his character, and I love it! (He won't ride in cars because of a 100% chance of a wreck, and when he has to, he wears a helmet. This is priceless.)

An aside: yesterday, Georgia and I were in the car, and she saw a kid in the passenger seat of a car wearing a football helmet. I wish I saw it, she was laughing so hard I was afraid she would wreck the car, and then I'd need a helmet. Georgia has a hard time functioning normally when she's laughing really hard. Her hands don't work. I understand this, I have had a similar problem... So, I was afraid she wasn't going to be able to drive anymore. Get it?

Anyway, "Dedication" is easily one of my favorite movies now. A few more quotes:

The pessimistic writer, Henry, always had things like this to say: "Life is a horrible little giggle in the midst of a forced death," and "Life is nothing but the occasional burst of laughter rising above the interminable wail of grief."

His friend and business partner answered, "Life is a single skip for joy." Love that!!!

Anyway, I guess a lot of people did not like this movie, but I found it funny and sad and lovely. I liked all the characters. A lot. And Georgia and Mom and Bob liked it, and they usually hate movies I love. So, I have hope for this movie that you might like it too. (Disclaimer: lots of swearing, lots.)

SHE SAID SHE WANT A BALLER

That is a great rap from the movie "Coach Carter," and I find myself singing it (rapping it?) a lot lately. This is due to the fact that Euro Cup Soccer (futbol) championships seem to be on all the time in the break room at work.

The lookers... the legs... the patriotism... the athleticism... Hmm... I think I discovered a favorite new sport. I mean, hello!

Aren't they fine? Hot men, short shorts (okay, not that short, and certainly more attractive that way... I mean, those rugby shorts? Yeow! Too much information...)


HOT TRANNY MESS

So, I went to a party last weekend, and the day of, I received some make-up in the mail that I had ordered weeks before. Because of our move, things got all messed up, and it took a very long time to get. Moving on...

So, I was experimenting with new make-up colors that night, and in a random decision, put in blue contacts, which I hadn't even realized I owned. They are just a little darker than my eyes, and I have actually worn them all week. They are pretty fun. So, I had the blue contacts, a cool new midnight blue liquid pencil above my eyes, a few false lashes interspersed, and lip-plumping gloss. Totally fake, right? It was weird.

Georgia came in my room while I was getting ready, and was all, "you look really pretty," to which I replied, "good. I couldn't tell if I was pretty or looked like a tranny." Because I was definitely walking the line of over-done. Good to know I don't look like a man dressed up as a woman, even with the fake lashes.

EXPERT OPINION
So, I was describing someone to Georgia, and said something like, "...really nice, but kind of shallow..."
To which, Georgia posed this adept question, "how can you describe someone as shallow? When you, yourself, are shallow? That's like me saying someone is crazy!"
Yes, quite right. I thought about it, and told her, "who is more qualified to say someone is shallow than someone who is shallow as well? It's simply an expert opinion!"
The more I think about it, the more right it is. I told my mom about it, and defended myself, "I'm only shallow about things that don't matter," to which she replied, "yeah, shallow... Isn't that what shallow means?"
Oh, well. Can't be totally perfect. Gotta have some faults in this life. Shallow? I'll take it!