Melancholy

So, last night I had this dream. Probably for the entirety of my sleep. In it were me and my old boyfriend, Craig, who I rarely think about in my awake times. I mean, it's been years.
He's the guy some of you have heard me call "the love of my life." Yeah, I loved him, however briefly, and actually spent the latter half of or relationship crying because he had moved away. I am not a "crying girl." I have a quiet contempt for "crying girls" because they make us look weak. If I could take back all that crying, I would. It made me look like a basket case, and maybe an idiot. Poor guy probably thought, "what have I signed up for?"
Anyway, so I spent this short relationship (the one in which I was in love and never took any real chances) crying and being a crazy person. Who knew a guy could do that to me? I am the queen of cool. In fact, I am often "the guy" in my relationships. It's all logic and lists and rarely, if ever, love, or anything like it. I am "the guy."
Okay, so the dream, which dictated the way the rest of my Tuesday went, was just that he was here, and we were hanging out, and he was all "you look different," and I was all "it's probably my hair," when the truth is it's probably the thirty pounds or so. And in my dream I was in love again and trying, trying my hardest to make him love me back. Again. If he really ever did (which was a question I always held until the night we broke up and he said it. Why? You tell me that and then break up with me? I mean, I know why, but that is too much for this post...)
So, I woke up forlorn and lonely and melancholy and slightly confused (how does your subconscious do that to you? And why?) and spent the day in a very similar state.
I guess what I got from the whole thing is this: Are you ever really over someone you have loved? I mean, really, down deep, where your mind is thinking and you don't even know about it, like in a dream? Or even on the surface? I was so sad all day about this guy who I haven't been in the same room with for what, four years?
What do you think?
I hate love.

(Oh, and also, in this dream, I saw myself at a size 6, maybe 8, and am really excited for that. Dang, I was hot. Granted, I have only lost two pounds this week-ish, but I am rounding the 15 pound mark, and then will proceed to thin. Get ready, people. It's happening.)