Two little stories:

1. I went to church and sat with my friend Nicole's sister and her family. When I sat down, her cute little nephew looked up at me, and very sincerely, asked, "are you an aunt?"
2. Yesterday, I was at the Texas Exes (University of Texas Alum) golf tourney. I was in my little golf cart, going down the cart path, and came around the corner to discover one of the golfer guys peeing in a water hazard. Luckily, he was facing away from me. Anyway, his co-golfer started laughing, and was like, "timing is everything in life!" True, sir. Very true.

I feel like singing...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-- stop! Hammer time... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh-oh.

Hmm...

I wonder if Meat Loaf ever regrets his choice of stage names.
What if he stopped liking meatloaf, after having really loved it when he was young, because you just know he can't go to dinner anywhere without being served an obligatory meatloaf? How many meatloafs must Meat Loaf have consumed in his life? I'm betting on thousands.

Hefty Tall Kitchen Bags "Stinky" 2009 TV Commercial

I can't stand this woman. Man these are the most annoying commercials. Hows about stop complaining and take the trash out yourself, you lazy broad? I mean, really, she could have taken it out and been back again in the time she stood there making faces and ordering her poor fake husband around.

I rock!

So, today I ran my 2 miles. You know I'm training for the White Rock Lake half-marathon in December. And that I am NO RUNNER.
Anywho. Started training a couple of weeks ago. Went from running ZERO to running 4-5 days/week. My point is, today was my second 2-mile run, and not only did I run the whole thing without stopping or slowing down (which I have forced myself to do each time, but usually it's 1.5 miles, and I am struggling), but it actually didn't hurt! It was like, kind of easy and natural. Of course, I had a couple of moments of "ugg!" but I never felt like I wanted to stop or I might die. I hit that mythical place where running no longer hurts! This has only happened one other time in my life, and before that, I always thought it was an urban legend.
My point is, I'm proud of myself. I am becoming a real runner. Never thought I'd see the day :)

I am starting a petition

I think we need more national holidays. Like, at least one per month. Paid holidays. I don't think they have created a new one in my whole life. That's a long time to not make any new holidays, don' t ya think?

Did I ever tell y'all?

In some movie, someone is talking about a disease they have, it sounds like he says "anorexia," only that's not it. It's some disorder where he has absolutely no stress. Even about things he should have stress about. I think I have this disorder.
Nothing really makes me stress. And believe me, I probably should stress sometimes. There are definitely things in my life that would stress out a normal person.
Maybe this is why my blood pressure is so low that doctors are always like, "umm... you're practically dead."

I really like good ol' TS...

But, I personally think it's kind of both gross and bad when one's arms are so thin that the elbow-bones look all knobby and big, like knobby knees. Sorry, thin-armed girls everywhere. Thin is fine. But this isn't even thin. It's like, creepy.

I am not lying. I swear.

Okie dokie. First of all, please disregard this kind of grody girl and her kind of grody poses. Concentrate instead on the "dress."

Today, I saw A MAN wearing a tank-top mini-dress just like this, except with little grey stripes. At first, I thought it was one of those old-timey mens' swimsuits, you know, like a onesie? And that was odd, not only empirically, but also because he wore it in public. But, somehow, the dress idea was even more odd once it struck me. But, I was not hallucinating. He also had a canary-yellow man purse. So strange. I hope this isn't a trend that catches on. I mean, that thing was mini!

It seems like all my posts lately have been about television...

But, dude, I really don't watch it much. In fact, today I wish I watched it a little more. Because the Oxygen channel played "Steel Magnolias" AND "The First Wives Club!!!"
I am catching the middle-end of "TFWC." I saw like 10 mins of "SM."
Of course, I had a better day than just watching tv would have been. Swimming always trumphs tv on a hot summer day:)

Golden Girls : Sex and the City :: the egg : the chicken

I was talking about "Golden Girls" the other day. How much I loved it, how much I lamented the deaths of two cast members this year, how much as a kid I thought Blanche was freakin' fantastic.

And something came to me. Now, I am sure you may have realized this. And maybe it's just because both shows exhibit four female archetypes, but "Golden Girls" and "Sex and the City" seem to be pretty much the same show. In fact, if they keep making movies, eventually, the girls of SATC will all move in together in Florida and carry on much like the "Golden Girls." (Which is my plan, by the way. If I get married, and my hubby dies before me, me and my most fabulous girlfriends who are in the same boat should totally move in together and just laugh our butts off for the rest of our lives. Beats the old-folks home. By a lot. Moving on...)

Carrie is Sophia. Quirky and demanding. Funny and bossy. Flighty. Head in the clouds. Whiny. Bratty.

Samantha is obviously Blanche. Slutty, glamorous, doesn't give a dang. Frankly, sometimes bitchy.

Charlotte is Rose. Traditional, pretty. Slightly ditsy in Charlotte's case, majorly ditsy in Rose's. Easily disappointed. Idealist.

Miranda is clearly Dorothy. Uptight. Hard to please. A real pain in the a most of the time. Down to earth. A real "get down to business" type girl.

Anywho. I was going to write a real academic essay on this*, with research and citations and all, but I figured a quick little list would get my point across, and be less painful for everyone involved.

*No I wasn't.

Woah

While looking for a pic for my SATC post, I ran across this pic of Jason Lewis (Smith). Does he look like he wants to, oh, I don't know, kill you... and then drain your body of blood, and then drink it, or something?

Guess who's coming back into my life? (FINALLY)

Yep. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is coming back on. I have really missed "the gang." Not sure when the season starts (I am sure I could find out with a few mouse-clicks, but I am too lazy, as it is usually September, so I figure it is this year, too), but when it does, I will be in heaven for about 5 weeks. Which is how long it usually seems to last. Not a long season, this one.

AND Jeff Lewis of "Flipping Out!" Although Jeff is looking a little botoxy here, my adoration of him has not wavered. I wish he were my gay boyfriend. Too neurotic not to love.

Snuggie for Dogs - As Seen on TV Network

Thank you, Alison, and Matt, for bringing this into my life! I laughed so hard, I sounded like I was having some sort of attack, and had major tears rolling down my face! I have to re-apply my make-up!
THE BEST PART (which shows how sick I am) is: "Unlike traditional sweaters that you have to force over your dog's head, and stuff their legs through tight little sleeves." (which Alison also pointed out.) I re-watched it (at second :35) at least 15 times. I felt bad each time, knowing how sad it was for the dog, but my sadness was over-ridden by joy and unbridled glee. Wrong? Yes. Am I okay with it? Yes. Tell me that you love it, too.

Here's one.

Why did my 'chat' suddenly disappear on gmail, never to be seen or heard from again? I don't expect you to answer. But, really, I didn't change any settings, and what's worse, I can't find any way to put it back on there! Boo.

Check this out!

Six-Year-Old Artist Paints Like Adult

Shared via AddThis

Theory time, which is similar to 'Hammer time,' without those unflattering pants

It is embarrassing and dorky to get out of your air-conditioned car into the warm-but-not-even-hot* Texas summer and have your seeing-eye-glasses fog over. Which brings me to theory #1:

1. *I believe we (or maybe just I?) have entered bizarro-world. You know, where everything is opposite? Seinfeld talks about it, but I think it is actually a Super-man thing. Whatever. We are in it. I believe the following evidences support this theory:

• Texas has had a summer that is unlike any I have ever seen here. Today, it was in the low 80s. It is almost August. This does not happen. We have had several days of not just unseasonably, but freakishly cool weather. Nights where you can drive with windows down. Bizarro. World. Hey, global-warming people, take a look at this! (Although I realize you are changing it to "global climate change," [so that you can have a broad cover-all] which, if I'm not mistaken, has actually been called something else for some time: w e a t h e r)
• I am purging my stuff. Getting rid of tons of crap I have been storing for 10 years. I am going to be a minimalist. For real. That's just not normal.
• My man situation is also abnormal. Dating someone I actually like? Unheard of. Sorry, old boyfriends. You're welcome, new guy :)
• I have a phone that is not technologically out-of-date. Yeah. Finally got a blackberry! Yay! Yeah, I know the iPhone id hipper, but I just can't text on those things!
• I can't really sleep in anymore. You have to realize, sleeping in has been the foundation of my days-off lifestyle (and in college, days I had classes I could miss) for most of my adult life. Now, I am lucky to sleep until 9. Of course, unless I am up all night long or am sick. These things, combined with a healthy dose of the NyQuil or Tylenol pm, sometimes facilitate a later sleep-in.

2. Gay guys look so good because guys are so visual, and they, as guys themselves, know this. So, they cater to this tendency so that they can get other gay guys. Which can be a trick, because some of us women are pretty visual too. And we end up flirting with good-looking gay guys. Which can lead to some pretty embarrassing situations.

3. "The empathy theory:" (I cannot claim this theory, except that I have been talking about it lately, and I named it.) People cheat with each other not because they are attracted to each other so much as that they can empathize with each other. And they get into this pattern of doing that until they finally get involved physically and emotionally.

4. Coke slurpees are totally okay every now and then. They help take the edge off of the no-sodas-whatsoever pact. I know, maybe I am cheating a little. But I rarely have them, and they aren't carbonated, which was kind of my rule. No carbonation. And delicious.

Alice in Wonderland

Okay, umm... YAY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtjrlMKDCwY
Once again, foiled by youtube. But, you need to watch this. I have always loved Alice in Wonderland. So, I am stoked. And this looks amazing.
As a girl who, at age 3, wanted her mom to name her future baby sister "Allison Wonderland Holman," I think I'll be seeing this... Maybe.

Youtube is doing crappy things to me...

It won't let me put videos on my blog. But here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JScv8N91FGw&feature=player_profilepage
I fully jumped when I saw this. And then, they played another one right after, I knew what was going to happen, and I jumped higher than the first time! I couldn't find that one... Totally good, though.

Huh?

This is the pic from an ad on facebook for fashion school, or something... I can't really see it. But, it doesn't make me think fashion, for some reason. First of all, is there a parrott on her shoulder?
Looks more like an ad for voodoo school. Like, where they teach you to give people shrunken heads and stuff. Cause does she have one? I think so...
I'm so perplexed.

This girl already bugs me...

Elizabeth Banks. Annoying. I don't know why. She just bugs me. As does this:

And yet, it rang so familiar, I knew I'd seen it before... Oh, right: Perhaps she is taking her cues from the refreshingly crazy/wonderful Sharon Stone? I hope next time she does this one: The girls at GFY hate it, but I personally think she looks freaking amazing. Furs are great. I love animals, but I love to wear them more. (Except puppies, of course. I'm no Cruella Deville.)

Oh, Anthro...

You have outdone yourself... I am DYING for the outfit on the left. Dying. It will be mine. Promise.

Food for thought

What do you think your chances are of going to heaven if the last thing out of your mouth before you die is the grown-up version of "mutha eff!"?
Because I was thinking that, for me, this is a very real possibility.
I was thinking about dying in a car accident on my drive home today. Sounds morbid, but it was because of all the hideous driving around me. And, I figured, in my last moment, seeing the car that is about to kill me speeding my way, that is probably what will fly from my mouth.
So, how good do you think one has to be to override that kind of last moment? Like, Mother Teresa good? Gordon B Hinkley good? Or just, like, regular human who is pretty good good?
I think I may be in trouble.

Just for Jared...

They're rubber waffles. Only less appetizing.

What the heck is the deal?

Vibrating mascara.

Does really anything seem like a worse idea?

"Hmm... I'm looking for a way to make poking my eye out more of a possibility... Oh, look! Here, I'll get this."

I mean, I can't think of anywhere on my body that I would less prefer to have something vibrate.

List

A) What is it on my blog that prompts ads like this:
Federal Criminal Defense
Federal Drug & Sex Crimes Law Office of Correa & Featherston ?!?
I didn't know I appealed so much to the criminal type... or at least that my blog does. I guess I know I do, personally, and I can validate that statement with a little quip I like to call "Maigen gets an ex-con boyfriend on a cross-country Greyhound trip while attending BYU." Umm, yeah, that actually happened. Years ago, though. Still funny.

B) I've lost 7 more pounds! Yipee! I am now back to my natural "fat weight." You know, the place I always stayed at without trying before I hit 29 years old and my metabolism came to a screeching halt, unfortunately during the time I was on campus in the video-editing suites for 12 hours a day, eating junk and never, ever working out. Well, finally back down. Still got a bunch to go, but things are looking good!

C) Had an awesome 4th of July weekend... But, really, how can it be blasted Monday already? Dude, no.

D) I have to go to bed, but instead I am writing this. The end.

The heat!

Okay, so I realized something awesome about how hideously hot it is in Texas. It actually works for me. You know why? Because, unless there is a pool or lake involved, no one expects you to do anything outside. Ever.
Which means I'm not getting any grief about not going hiking or rock climbing. No one is hassling me to go mountain biking. Because these things are actually not possible. 1) We have no mountains, or hills & 2) you can actually die out there.
So, the moral of the story is, if you are an indoorsy girl, who doesn't like being considered a loser for not wanting to participate in these types of activities (as I often was in Utah), and you like to shop, eat amazing food, go to films and museums and live music, Dallas might just be the right place for you. Even if you hate, HATE the heat. Because you are inside most of the time anyway.
I am done.

What a sad day.

Great music.
Great hair.

I'm sad. Also, Ed Mc Mahon died yesterday. Gosh, crappy week.

These weird me out...

What's with all these stand-up comedy format commercials lately? Is it the same thing as reality tv? The comedians are cheaper than paying actors? Or do they really think these are super-clever, and like, the wave of the future? I hope not. They are NO BUENO!

See the three posts below! LAME!

(PS: Yeah, I don't know how to put these all in one post... I've looked at trying to do it before, but it seems like a lot of work. So, uh, sorry. It's just not as pretty this way. Feel free to teach me. For free.)

About periods...

On TBS...

About a car...

It's hot and I'm dying.

Dallas is perfect. Aside from the overwhelming, soul-crushing, heart-breaking heat. I mean, I'm not gonna make it. I think I'm actually going to have to leave Texas. Again. (Vote on my new location to the right). Probably not until the fall, though. Which means, I will have to live through the heinous summer. Boo. Hiss. Ick.

Other random things I don't like:
1. The phrase "hot mess." Dude. Terrible.
2. How on tv, couples always sleep in a queen-sized bed. I am SO gonna need more space than that, for my sprawling tendencies. Plus, snuggling is good, some of the time. But, it makes me hot.

Random things I do like:
1. Lemon/lime or cucumber water. Never liked lemon water before, but now that I'm off soda (since May 17th!), I had to try something else again.
2. High heels! Oh, man. I gave in to the whole flats/flat sandals phenom. In fact, I gave in so much that I wasn't wearing heels very much anymore, just on dates (and even then, not always... I know, ICK!) and to church. But, I wore them on Friday night, and it was like heaven! Heels are home, baby. I had been forsaking the true me and had given in to comfort and trends instead of adhering to my high-heels-at-all-times-except-for-work rule. I'm not saying I won't wear flats, but I'm just saying, I remembered who I am! Yay! Heels! Love ya! Welcome back, Maigen!

I'm smarter than your average criminal.

Apparently, the new big thing amongst crooks, thieves, men who don't treat me well and the like is to go to a Texas Rangers' game (or something like that), break into cars with GPS systems, hit 'home' and go rob you. Kind of smart. They know you won't be there for like 5 hours. They probably have your garage-door opener.
I was thinking about getting a GPS, actually. Only, instead of my address in the 'home' spot, I'm going to put in the address to my closest police station. Eat THAT, common criminals!
(PS: does this criminal-guy's bag up here say "swag?" Or is it something I'm not figuring out? Like, he's stealing someone's swag? That's one trendy, rapper of a robber.)

Flizzle Tizzle

I noticed the past couple of days that my tire looked kind of flat, perhaps having something to do with the fact that I ran off the drop-off side of a country road and jacked that b up.

Anywho. So, yesterday, against my natural inclination NOT to sweat my butt off in the heinous 100 degrees, and NOT to get all greasy and dirty in the dress I wore to work, I decided I could not drive the 45 minutes to my writers' group on that pretty flat-looking tire. So, I went to a gas station and paid $1.25 FOR AIR. I put air in all my tires. My car feels totally different now. Perhaps because each tire was supposed to have 44 PSI (pressure/square inch, I believe), and that flat tire... wait for it... was. at. five.

You may already know this, but

Today I chipped my tooth, on a skittle. Dang it. It's like I thought the skittle was in between my back teeth, and for some reason chomped down on it really hard, only it wasn't there. Yep, my third from center bottom tooth got crunched, and a wee teeny chip came off. I didn't even notice until a minute later, when I ran my tongue over the newly razor-sharp peak. It was a very Springer Monday. I have to wait until next Thursday to get it fixed. Hope nobody wants to french before then, I may cut his tongue;)

Things I have no use for in this life...

1. Short-sleeve men's dress shirts and the men that wear them
2. Temperatures higher than 80 degrees
3. Other drivers
4. Fergie
5. Iceberg lettuce
6. Closed-mouth kisses with men
7. Beets
8. The new reality show "Kendra," the person it is based on, and any and all ads that make me
aware that the show (and the girl) even exists.
9. Juicy Brand
10. Small bath-tubs

Lame-o

It's 9:17 and I think I'm going to go lie down. Like, go to bed. I'm a freakin tired old lady right now.

Dogs with human characteristics

I walked Walter and Jojo the other day. I took them down to this big field, took off their leashes. "Go run in the field! Run!" I shouted.
Jojo takes off into the field, happy to be alive. Thrilled to be a dog, in a field.
Walter takes off running down the sidewalk adjacent to the field. Yep. He's what you might call "indoorsy." He pretty much only touches grass to actually go #1 or #2 in it. We're MFEO*.

*I DO NOT go #1 or #2 or anything in any fields. What I mean is, I don't get close to nature unless it's an absolute necessity. You knew what I meant.

This may be sacrilegious. But, I'm gonna say it anyway. Because it's funny.

Driving through Dallas, I saw the "Fifth Church of Christ, Scientist."
I though it was funny because it seems like "Scientist" is the Church's first name. Like Smith, John.
Mere thought it was funny because it seems like Christ is a scientist.
I am sure it is neither. I think "Scientist" is a designation. But whatever, the other two are such better, funnier meanings. To me. Because I am already going to hell, so why not?

Mom?

My sister and I were walking up to my parent's place, and saw a person on a balcony which we thought was my parent's. Meredith was like, "is that mom?" I wasn't wearing my seeing-eye-glasses, so I was like, "yeah," and yelled, "MOM?!"
Yeah, no. It wasn't my mom. It was a dude, on the balcony next door. A big dude, smoking a cigarette and bald-headed. He was white. That was about where the similarity to my 5'2'', size zero, non-smoking mom with hair ended.
Not as funny in the re-telling. But, we were laughing so hard we cold barely walk.

I have a theory...

That nobody uses the word "ornery" outside of Utah. I don't even think they know what it means, that's how often they use it out here in not-Utah. I doubt I ever heard it before going to BYU. Maybe I'm just uneducated... but I don't think so, because I've always been a sort of vocabulary-nerd.
I hate that word. Ornery. Just awful.

Actual moment:

"I like you better with your hair down." -John, from my writers' workshop.
Having seen my all weekend with my strait hair down, I think his delicate sensibilities were offended by my up-done curly hair on Wed.
Later, he clarified, (because I didn't already get it), "You know, you look okay, it's just that you were smokin' this weekend..." Thanks, buddy.

I am hoping this is an optical illusion...

Is it just me or is that the skinniest alive person you have ever seen? What is that, an 8-inch waist?

Kate Bosworth, I am totally sending you a Chipotle gift card. Go ahead, order a burrito. And don't skip the sour cream.

What's with all these muppet-flus, anyway?

Bird-flu. Swine-flu. C'mon!

Thanks!

For following me already, my fab friends!!

Book Pitch

I pitched my book, "The Anticool," to this awesome agent on Saturday. I went in there sooooo terrified, but he was really easy to talk to, and his jovial personality made me much more relaxed. He laughs a lot, and as my favorite thing to do is make people laugh, it was a great interview. All the laughing was perhaps contrasted with the conversation about my book, which is definitely dark, and in which everyone pretty much dies. So, we had two really happy, humorous people laughing one minute, and looking very serious and sad the next. It was pretty awesome. One of those life moments.
Anyway, he asked me to send the book over to him, which, of course, was my goal, so I am really happy. "The Anticool" may be a little heavier than what he usually takes on, but hopefully he will like the writing well enough to try it!
I am also starting a new blog about my writing. So that agents, or anyone interested in my writing have a place to check it out online... It is a work in progress, and the above paragraph is pretty much exact over there, too, but I am going to try to beef it up here this week with a resume, synopsis of "The Anticool," and more writery stuff.

Hey, you guys!

So, look over there, to the right... Higher... higher... See that little section of "followers?" Yep. I have two. TWO. I know, I have been a lazy blogger. But I promise to do better. Will you click "follow" for me? It will make me feel all warm and fuzzy and whatnot. Because if I'm not popular, I'm nothing ;) JK. But, really, follow my blog, eh?

Transition into pedophilia

What is it about Transitions Lenses that makes people look like child-molesters?

Random thoughts

1. A forward from my sister:

From the daily diary of a cat:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . . .

2. I like this:

I stole it from my friend Matt's facebook.

3. There is this ad campaign where Popeye's chicken keeps calling their chicken "bona fide chicken." I can only imagine this is because of the fact that there are bones in the chicken (ick!) and 'bona' sounds like 'bone' for the first half. Because "in good faith chicken" just doesn't make any damn sense. To me, or anyone.

4. Facebook has created a phraseology that really ends up sounding like broken english. Remember how status updates used to say "Maigen is _____" and you would fill in the blank? And you could delete the "is" if you were not in a lazy mood and were more concerned about creating an actual sentence. But, a lot of the time, you got updates like "Susan is Bahamas!" (meaning "Susan is in the Bahamas!") or "Marcy is new pair of shoes!" (instead of "Marcy has a new pair of shoes!"), etc... This always kind of bothered me. Well, now the "is" is gone. Now, it just says "Maigen _____," and you fill it in. Here's what: have you guys noticed that people are now FILLING IN an unnecessary "is?!" Like, "Kylie is dinner with family tonight!" or "Tyler is vacation tomorrow!" I mean, if you aren't going to make a sentence (I'm okay with that, like just make a statement, like "Maigen Snoop rocks!" Because I can see what you are doing there. You aren't writing a sentence. 'Maigen' is not a noun, it is an identifier here. But, when you add that 'is,' you are implying that 'Maigen' is a noun, and 'is' is a verb, and we're gonna have a lovely little sentence. Anywho, just an observation. If I start hearing this in conversation, I will have to officially FREAK OUT.

5. Maigen is new pair of shoes!!

6. I am pitching my book to an agent from NYC on Saturday. I am terrified! Wish me luck :)

7. WAY stoked about the Mavs advancing in the finals! I am trying to think positive, but am skeptical. I know what they do. Hopefully I am wrong. Hopefully they will not choke like they usually do.

8. How about that Air Force One stunt? (And I'm not talking about the shoes...) Wow. I mean, just, wow.

9. Swine FLU. Dude, please. Talk to me when it's the Bubonic Plague. Or Ebola. They day I walk around wearing a surgical mask and I'M NOT DOING SURGERY, well, it won't be good. That's a FMOTW just waiting to happen.

10. Check out this song! I love it! The whole thing is good, but the first 30 seconds are killer! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaECKn8xwcY

I love you, Anthropologie, but...

Truly, Anthro is my all-time favorite store. If I could marry an inanimate object, it would be Anthropologie. But, in my email ad today, they had this:
I mean, they are advertising jeans. With this picture? These jeans look terrible on her, a size zero model. Look what they are doing to her. They fit hideously. (Click on the pic, you can tell a little better when the pic is bigger how bad they are.) The crotch is all out-of-wack, and is very possibly riding up whilst in the exact same moment sagging. (Teri, she needs one of those butterfly things... Just a warning, clicking the link might make you throw up in your mouth a little...)
But, Anthro, do not be dismayed, I am still loyal and in love and everything nice.

"Lady" Gaga ALREADY grossed me out...

FREAK!!! All other things aside, that lipstick makes her look like a member of the "Cats" cast. WHY, oh, why would you do that to your face, even if it already started out kind of fugly?!

Gripefest.

Okay, I have been walking/doing sprints the past week or so out in my neighborhood. There's this little trail about half a mile down the road, and I walk over there and do my thing. Here is what I hate:
a) Texas drivers don't respect a cross-walk. I am telling you, not only do they not slow down and wait if they see someone waiting to cross, but they would happily mow me down if I were mid-way across and didn't move out of their way quickly enough. In fact, I'd be willing to take it a bit farther and say that they would actually try to hit me if I were in the street, but not in their way. Say I'm in the other lane, but still in the street. I would not put it past them to actually change lanes, hit me, and then high-five their passenger.
b) Other people on walks, etc, walk past, I say "hi," and they either just smile or completely ignore me. I verbalized, dude. It's not hard to say "hi" back. I mean, a smile is okay, I'm not gonna hate you if you smile, but I am going to be mildly annoyed. The total ignore is completely unacceptable, though. That justifies retaliation. Like, the other day, my mom said "hi" to this lady on the trail (they were the only people for a mile), and the lady totally ignores her, and keeps looking forward. Later, we took mom's dogs over to run around in the park-y part. There is that same stupid lady, walking backwards, no less. So, when she walks over (still no greeting) and says "can you put your dogs on a leash so I don't trip over them?" Mom says "you won't trip over them." Jerky lady says, "I'm doing rehab." Mom says, "you won't trip over them, I'll keep them in the grass." Had the lady said "hi" earlier, mom says, she would have absolutely put the on a leash, no problem. Man, she's great.
c) Sprints are hard. I really hate when I have to start one in front of people. Today, I had to start one in front of these kids. It looks so bizarre, like I'm trying to show off, "look at me, I'm not just walking, I can run so fast! Har har har!" But even worse is finishing a sprint and then seeing people. Because here I am, walking at a quite normal pace, panting, probably looking like I'm about to pass out or die or both. I look like such a freak. The people are like, "wow, she's in even worse shape than she looks! Girlfriend's about to have a coronary from strolling."

Oh YEAH...

I am seeing Snoop Dogg in concert on May 5th!! I think he would also appreciate the fact that I got my ticket on National Smoke-Out Day. The man does love his recreational drugs. I am so excited!

I mean it

What's the deal with Dry Idea deoderant?
Don't give me the idea that I'm dry, I'd rather be dry. Thanks.

Man, I feel ya...

You may have already seen this on my facebook, and if you have, sorry for the redundancy. But, it needed to be posted here, too. I saw this in the hallway at the elementary school where I tutor, and thought it was the funniest thing ever! I know that's how I feel when somebody moves my cheese!!! I mean, hilarity.

Michelin man ain't got nothin' on me

Today, at work (in a very shady, windy, freezing canopy where I sat for hours freezing my proverbial bullocks off) I wore:

• White camisole over classic white wrap top
• Nice brown tweed trousers (lined, but now I realize that a silky lining in pants can actually make you colder)
• cute peacock blue Audrey-Hepburn-esque swing jacket
• great orange coral and brass accessories
• brown on brown polka-dot trouser socks
• ballet flats with bow and bronze toe
• funky Betsy Johnson frilly girl sunglasses...
• orange suede gloves with tassels at wrists

And that's exactly where the cute ends...

Add:

• my "Fargo" hat (which is cool in its own right, perhaps not with the rest of the ensemble)
• my brown thick jacket with fur-lined hood (hood UP)
• my really oversized, hideous, keep-it-in-the-trunk-in-case-of-emergency GAP black puffer coat that could easily fit at least one other person, or as many as TWO Olsen twins, along with me, inside
• another sweater-y coat wrapped around my legs as I sat for extra warmth

I looked like a freak who belonged in, well, Fargo. Except, even with all the millions of layers, I was still freezing. I am still cold. I left work hours ago and have taken a hot shower since then. I think the cold is in my bones.

Traffic Rizzle (that's rap for "Report")

I heard the BEST traffic report this morning! I was listening to one of the local hip-hop stations, and this guy gets on, obviously white but trying really, really hard to sound like he is some gangsta, or rapper, or whatever.
He's all, "we got crunk traffic this morning," (okay, first of all, I doubt they're "crunk," check your urban dictionary before you use the term incorrectly, playa)... And "highway 635 is off the chain between Coit and the tollway."
And then he signs off. "This has been C Dub for K104," or something like that. Honey, I am sure you have been told to sound really "tight," or "hard," or "ghetto," but as I am sure "C Dub" stands for something like Christopher Wilkinson, you may want to tone it down a notch... It's a little overkill. Or, alternatively, stay the same, because it's just too darn hilarious!
(I admit that I, too, sometimes fancy myself quite the rapper, and therefore this post is slightly ironic. But, come on, I'm not doing it over the radio! Maybe I should...)

Nothing like a man who smells good enough to eat!

I was at the counter at this gas station today, and there was this display of those little generic colognes.
You know the ones, the label says stuff like "Our Version of Eternity," "Our Version of Chanel No 5," "Our Version of Coolwater."
One of the labels was slightly mis-printed (I am sure this was a really first class operation), and "Our Version of Coolwater" had, with the miniscule shift of type, became "Our Version of Codwater."
Codwater. Yes. Now I know what I've been missing. A man who smells like fish. I should have bought it. Maybe I'll go back.

Totally cute!

I saw "Last Chance Harvey." It is really good. Total romantic comedy, but less sickening than most. Harvey is a great example of a man who knows what he wants (Kate) and goes after it. He is old-fashioned and it is nice. Plus, sweet side-story of him and his daughter. Recommended.

Sunshine Cleaning

This is a great film. Loved it. I totally recommend it. It's the first time I've really liked Amy Adams. Great acting all around. Great story. A lot of empathy for the characters. Sad and funny. Inspiring. Can I write one more short sentence? I bet I can. Staccato.

Rad.

So, I didn't have to turn in my whole book on Friday! I have until the beginning of May! What! I am so glad that my procrastination paid off ;)

Here's what.

I am in need of about 20 extra hours this week, and this week happens to be the first week when I have at least 10 extra hours of work. So... the math doesn't quite add up.
Does anyone want to re-vamp "The Anticool" for me? Like, do some major editing, spruce up the beginning, and bring the plot in sooner? You know, like, re-write my 200 page novel? By, umm, Friday? Because that's when the thing is due. To be able to pitch it in May to some agents from NYC. Crap. I thought I had until May. Procrastination is a b****.
Oh, and also, I think I mentioned I am growing my hair out. This is what I want it to become:

Sparkles and all... Because, don't there seem to be sparkles in it? Oh, I know, I will have to bleach the hell out of it. And, umm, while I'm at it, if you could make sure I also get her face, that would be great...

Seriously, though, don't you love the hair? I haven't had long hair in a while. Nor will I, for a while. Waiting sucks. Patience is totally not my virtue.

Speaking of virtues, in college I knew a girl named Charity. Charity Ball. She got married. Became Charity Fails. I do not jest. All those cross-stitched "Charity Never Faileth"s all over her dorm room became null and void. True story.

Also, once I cross-stitched "Though we adore men individually, we agree that, as a group, they're rather stupid" from Mary Poppins, all flowery and girly. I was going to make a pillow, but it has ended up just chillin' in a box somewhere. I will find it soon, and take a picture of it to show you on here. You will like it. You'll like it 'cause I say you'll like it.

Movies

Just saw "Gran Torino" today. Man, it really is freakishly good. I was surprised. Not really being too familiar with Clint Eastwood, I was pretty impressed. Totally recommend it. Of course, the language was a little harsh, and his racial slurs were pretty rampant, but it was an amazing story with great characters. Really, really recommend it. I also think the finger-gun is a much underused thing in our society. Thanks, Clint, for bringing it back. I plan to employ it in my daily life.
I saw "The Class," a foreign film I had been pretty excited about based on the trailer, a couple of weeks ago. What a huge disappointment. For some reason, I was expecting something very "Half Nelson," (which I recommend if you haven't seen), but I was way off. It was sooooooo long, and nothing ever really happened. Aside from the audience becoming extremely annoyed by the hideously rude, not to mention unattractive to the utmost degree, 13-15-year-old student punks in this guy's class. Deux thumbs down.

I just re-watched "The Royal Tenenbaums." Man, so good. Has the best attempted-suicide scene ever. SO dark, and real, and scary. Amazing. Plus, Gwen's eye-make-up has proven a useful template to me in years past, when men have made me mad and bulk pretty panty shopping is unavoidable.

Okay, so you'll laugh at me, as Anti-"Twilight" as I have always been, but last night I saw "Twilight." And, I guess I gotta admit, my expectations were so low, and I thought I'd hate it so much, that I actually enjoyed it a little bit. Lame? Sure. Bad acting? Yep. Bad special effects? Oh, yeah. But did I throw up, turn it off early, or storm out? No. Go, "Twilight." Gotta say, something about a man loving you because deep down he wishes he could eat you for dinner is a little bit sexy. Or creepy. Also, gotta love those dead eyes. Or not. Basically, I didn't hate it. Not as much as I hated "Lakeview Terrace," or "Rachel Getting Married." Now, that's not saying much, but it's saying something.

Two Lovers Trailer (high quality)

That above is the actual name of the video on youtube. "High quality," I am sure, does not describe this film, however. Just seemed ironic.
I saw the preview today at the theater, and was literally shaking my head the whole time. By the end, it was all I could do not to flip off the screen in my annoyance. I whispered "a-hole" under my breath several times. I hate this movie, and haven't even seen it. Nor will I. Ever.

Here's what I've decided...

Two blogs.

Yeah, it might be a pain, but this blog will be filled with fashion, movies, funny stories, etc.

The new blog will be where my pics are, more personal stories, thoughts, feelings, and the more juicy details of the escapades of the girl you all know and love: ME!

So, I'm gonna sort out the details of this new blog. Shoot me an email (you can from my profile here, or if you already have my email address) or leave a comment with your email address and I will get you in on that deal. Of course, pending approval from the "you're not the reason she decided to do a private blog in the first place" committee. I think most of you will pass with flying colors, though! (I do have a couple of "blog friends" who I haven't actually met, and if you gals want invites, let me know... you are not the people I am worried about.)

Hopefully this won't be a big pain. But, I think it's worth it.

And, if you don't want to read the private blog, I will keep bringing you things like this:

from GFY. Those "Real Housewives," who I have never watched, btw, really gross me out. And this gal's outfit is like a slutty witch Halloween costume without the underwire support it so desperately needs. I rue the day I ever found out sweater tube-tops existed... That was yeaterday. I rue it.

Suckey, suckey blogger...

That's me.
I never blog anymore, and when I do, it's just a little comment like this about how bad I am at it lately.
So, yeah.
I am doing the whole flip-flop thing about going private... You know, so I can talk about stuff. Put up pics. Et al. And not be all "well, this is going out into the void where any old stalker and/or pervert or creep can find it, hunt me down, and torture me about my personal life and my opinions about fashion and Nicolas Cage's 'acting' (perhaps even by making me watch 'Face/Off' over and over...oy vey)..." You know, the usual concerns...
But, see, then, I can't look at my statcounter and think about my popularity the world over, my fans in Italy, and China, and all isles tropical... And, I gotta say, sometimes those random hits make me feel all warm and fuzzy. 'Yes! I have international appeal! I knew it!'
What do you think? For those of you who have taken the plunge and "gone private," is it suckey? And, if so, how would you rate the suckiness? Like: me, as a blogger, suckey? Or: Britney Spears, as a classical singer, suckey? Or: is it just, oops, I dropped my peanut-butter-toast face-down, suckey?

A girl can dream...

Sometimes I wish I had terrible style just so I could go on "What Not to Wear," hang with Stacy and Clinton, and spend their $5000 on clothes in NYC!

Maybe I could fake it? Go to Good Will and buy some pleated, high-waisted, tapered kahkis? Or, what I saw a lady out wearing yesterday: a neon yellow pair of ski overalls, all puffy, with blocks of other primary colors randomly stitched on with a grey cable-knit sweater, and high-heeled construction-boots... Hmmm... Maybe that's a winner.

Morning sucks

Me and 7:45 am are getting to be really good friends. Not my idea. It just lies there, nudging me awake at, well, 7:45 am, when I rarely, if ever, actually have to be up at that time. Every morning. And, I usually roll over, look at it, and fumble some obscene hand gesture or manage to breathe out two letters right in 7:45 am's face, "f...u..."
When I googled "7:45 pic," this came up:
That seems about right...

Weird

I wish I had a picture, but today I saw this guy driving around an old ambulance. It was his normal car. I figured it out because the lettering was all removed, and the driver was smoking a cigarette. But, it was still red, still had lights on top.
Wigged me out. Made me think of some old Nicolas Cage movie where he drives around on some mad bender in an ambulance either killing people or exacting some kind of vigilante justice on people by inflicting his bad acting on them. I didn't see it, but I remember some pieces of it from some rather unfortunate channel surfing or previews or something. Either way, he was green or else everything was lit with fluorescent bulbs in some majorly unflattering overhead lighting.

Old friends...

Lately, I have been lucky to see (and talk to) a few old friends (and no, they are not old, I am the only old person in this post, but the friendships reach back to my teen years) that I haven't seen in a long time.
It has been way fun!
I got to see my fabulous high school friends, Molly and Allison, both at Christmas. Which was rad. I did not have the foresight then to take pictures. I hate it when that happens.
I got to hang out with Krissy and Tyler, also high school friends, last week. Look how stylin' we all are at the Sambuca Jazz Club (yes, this is when I wore those killer shoes):Yesterday I spent a whole hour talking to my college freshman bff, Jennie. I am sad to admit that the pictures of us are so old that they are not even digital. Someday, I will scan those puppies in, or maybe get the negatives transferred onto a cd. Man, I really am old.
This weekend, I get to hang out with my high school friend, Missy, whose normal-sized head by sharp contrast emphasizes the hugeness of my own. Behold:It has been so fun to reconnect with everyone! And, of course, I have gotten to email with several old friends on Facebook lately. That's fun, too, although the book-made-of-faces (or is it the face-that's-a-book?) is a little less fun than sitting around laughing and eating, say, cantaloupe gelato together... Hmm... I think I have a craving.

Update:

Those shoes were actually quite comfortable, and easy to walk in. Bonus!

A lovely day in general

I have been flirting with breaking this 10-pound-mark in my weight loss for a while... It's just been there, taunting me. I finally breached it today!
I have a renewed outlook on my diet now. Plus, everything else is going pretty darn well. My hair is finally growing out, the man situation doesn't suck at all, and work is bearable. 2009 is shaping up to be pretty much 'tha' bomb!' And you know I mean business if I use a term as lame as 'tha' bomb.'
PS: going to a sweet jazz club tonight. Yeah, pretty excited about that, too. My BFF from high school is in town and we are catching up after what feels like forever! Not only that, I am wearing a pair of shoes whose first wear I have been jealously guarding for just such an occasion. They are heaven on earth.

Isn't it the worst?

Do you ever look forward to something, like, all day, and then it happens, only you miss it for an idiotic reason?
I hate when that happens.

Today, I wore...

A black dress with greeny/bluey polka-dots, a black cardi, a black cami, and black flats.
My co-worker, who is also a marketer, wore a black dress with greeny/bluey polka-dots (same exact one), a black cardi, a green cami, and black boots.
Umm, yeah.

I know, I know...

I've been told that some of you (who shall remain nameless, JARED) are mad at me for not posting anything good lately.
Well, the good stuff in my life is just too darn good to put on here, and everything else is just blah.
Sometime soon I will become funny again, and will start coming up with some new theories. For now, you guys pretty much know all my theories. Patience, my friends. I will be back.
For now, feast your minds on this: today I saw a lady wearing a track suit with really tall, pointy, fancy black pumps. I do not jest. The horror, oh, the horror.

I had to steal this, Mel!

This was only my friend Melanie's blog, and I just HAD to steal it! I laughed so hard, I got an ab workout. I think the best part is "is this FOREVER?"
You really MUST hit play. SO worth it. Get ready to LYAO (do you like how I incorporated a hip texting word, only with a twist? I hate LMAO, LOL, etc... Don't you?)

I just LOVE this...

SO me.

I survived

My younger sister's wedding. I will put some pics up later. Let me assure you, I looked fabulous. My date looked even more fabulous. Nobody (especially not me) bemoaned my spinsterhood with that beautiful (and smart! stylish! confident! fun!) man-candy on my arm.

The wedding was very simple, sweet, and quick. The reception was nice, as well, with good people, food, and entertainment.

The only things that did not survive the wedding, however, were, unfortunately, my eyebrows. The night before, I got a mani/pedi. In a moment of clairvoyance about the unlikelihood that I would be able to manage a major eyebrow-plucking-session before the event, I asked the girl (I'm in a salon, after all), for an eyebrow wax.

Count this as one of the hugest mistakes of my adult life.

I wish the picture did it justice.

Okay, so, going in, I'm like, "I really like thick eyebrows, so not too thin... Just really natural, please." And, somehow, she translated that to "Go ahead and wax the top."

Umm... guess what? You shouldn't really wax or pluck the top, aside from the random stray clean-up. Had I seen you were about to do that before I felt the warm wax being applied, I would have, in slow motion, with arms flailing, shouted, "Nooooooooo...."

So, my left eyebrow is almost okay. It's really about right, aside from minimal damage to the top. Maybe slightly too thin at the thick end. My right eyebrow, however, is a skinny stripe. No change in width all the way across. Not enough to even work with with my magical eyebow pencil. I got butchered.

I guess I'm back to plucking. Which pains me, because I always end up crying. But not as much as I want to cry when I see my freaky eyebrows in the mirror right now. At least there's no emotion behind it when I cry about plucking.